21.

Yeah, everything changed...but not really.

We flew to Hank's city, checked into our lodging, and I texted Maura. They were ready for us! So we drove down to their town. Now, I was raised that you never showed up to someone's home empty-handed. Hank and I had also made a bet during the World Cup, and it was his birthday. We found a wine store and got him a bottle and a cigar - two things we knew he would enjoy. I was enjoying the delay, even though my anxiety was rising every minute.

We finally pulled up in front of the house. I was trying to smile and make jokes, but my heart was in my throat. I had dreamed of this moment since I was 12. For 22 years, I had thought about this moment and what it would look like, sound like, feel like.

It was like coming home. The family was sitting on the back deck, and Hank had texted me to let me know just to come around to the back. Maura saw us first, and she was the first person I hugged. Then, I hugged Rebecca and B, and finally, Hank. There were no tears, even though I totally expected I would cry when I hugged my half-sisters for the first time.

We went in, had dinner, had drinks, had great conversation. I don't remember most of it. It's so blurry, and throw some wine on there...and it's gone.

I have to say that my heart is pretty badly broken about that. I remember clips - they served sausages first, and there were chips and salsa and shrimp and cocktail sauce (I dipped my chip in cocktail sauce by accident), there was more food, we sat in the kitchen, but I did get to see the rest of the house, Hank and I had a long conversation by ourselves out by the garage (where he told me the name that he and Anne called me when she was pregnant), Hank and John had some alone time on the porch while the girls and I chatted inside, there was a birthday cake and Hank and I sang to each other (badly), there were a lot of pictures - but all of it is so quick and blurry. This caused some stress for me later in the weekend.

The next day, we met Amy and Chip, a moment I had been dreading pretty badly. I haven't been able to slough off that nagging negativity that I've had towards them since 2011. They have been nothing short of wonderful since we started talking several months ago, and I have no reason to hold any grudge towards them. I was very anxious during the whole meal, and Chip could see it. Although I was nervous and I didn't know how to really process the situation, it was a lovely visit. Amy and Chip were so warm and friendly. It was easy to talk to them, and they brought loads of pictures to share with me. The two hours passed by very quickly.

That night, we had dinner with my aunt Joan (see 11. if you don't remember her), her daughter, her two granddaughters, and my other cousin. It was so nice to share a meal with people I knew! We breathed easy that night, laughed a lot, and had a blast. Joan didn't know why I was in town - Bernie and Maddie had shared some information with my aunts and uncles, but not all apparently! I shared the previous night's escapade with them...and they loved it. They wanted to see pictures of Hank and B and Rebecca, they wanted to know the whole story. There aren't words to describe how much better it made me feel to not hide anymore. My adoption story at times has been very taboo in my family. But now, I get to share it and revel in the awesomeness of it. It's a huge change from where I was at this time last year!

The next day, Hank and his family came to us and we explored their city together. I was just as nervous, since I was (and still am) trying to piece together that first night. I didn't know if I had put off a bad impression, since I was apparently more nervous than I gave myself credit for. We met for coffee, and then toured and walked and laughed and had a great day. When we hugged them goodbye, I was truly sad. I don't know if or when I will see them again, and I don't know how they feel about me. But we had one more stop.

That night, we had dinner with Timothy, his mother Karen, and 15 other people! I've been talking to Karen pretty regularly, but I have lost contact with Timothy because he has quite a large family. Timothy's brother Matt has also been in contact with me, and we have become very close. Their sister, Cheryl, and I have briefly corresponded on social media, but nothing formal. They were all there - Timothy brought one of his kids, Cheryl brought her family, Matt brought his wife, and Karen brought her sister and some cousins. It should have been overwhelming, but again, it felt like coming home. We had a fantastic time. Timothy is just as wonderful as I had pictured him, and he and his son had traveled 7 hours to meet me. Matt was awesome - he cracked me up until my sides hurt. Cheryl is lovely, and you can tell her brothers love her immensely. My grandmother is a wonderful woman with a good heart. I am lucky to have each and every one of them.

We left early the next morning. I was so unbelievably sad. I have grown to care about all of these people pretty strongly, and I don't know if I will see them again or what they thought of me. Did I make a good impression? Was I a total jerk? Was I rude, or pompous, or judgy? Hank, Maura, and the girls especially - I know I was a fool that first night, and I didn't want that to be their first impression of me. I didn't have words for how sad I was, but I was quiet on the way to the airport. John even picked up on it. Once we got into the terminal, I couldn't hold it in anymore, and I excused myself to the bathroom to cry. I gave myself about a minute of sobbing, and then I told myself that anything I did was my fault and I had no excuse to feel sorry for myself. I sucked it up, left the bathroom, and traveled home. I didn't hear from Hank that night.

The next day, we had my best friend over for a barbecue and so she could hear about the trip and return my pooch (who she had been puppy-sitting). I had John invite a friend over too, since I wasn't sure I was ready to talk about the experience. But leave it to Hank to save the day - he texted me just as she arrived and relayed that everyone enjoyed my visit. It was good to hear that and brightened my day. I told my friend the whole story and showed her as many pictures as possible.

Since the visit, my anxiety has still been up. I've invited Hank and Maura to visit, and I also invited B and Rebecca to our siblings weekend, which is an annual tradition with John's siblings. There is nothing set in stone yet. When Hank and I first started talking, I told him to be pushy. I overthink things, more than I should. In fact, that is one of the reasons I like writing this blog - it causes my brain to slow down. My mind goes in circles at Mach 5, and it causes me to be stressed and anxious thinking of all these various situations and outcomes and consequences. Silence is my enemy; that's when the overthinking is the worst. I knew if I told Hank to be pushy, then there wouldn't be as much silence and I wouldn't overthink things too much. Now, there is no reason to be pushy. And the silence is getting to me.

Hank has been doing this thing where he texts Maura, Rebecca, B, and me once a day with a joke. He found a book from when B was little of 2001 jokes, and they are all terrible. Since the trip, the jokes haven't been daily, and I've been reading into that. Which is insane and silly, considering that there is nothing wrong. But my brain is an anxious turd, and it froths all my insecurities up for fun.

In one of my rare courageous moments since the visit, I emailed Anne on social media. I sent it two weeks ago, and to date, she hasn't seen the message yet. But I told her I just wanted my medical history, and I would disappear again. I figured that the worst that could happen is nothing at all, and I would never know the answer if I didn't ask.

Since meeting Hank, my feelings towards all of these people have softened, but strengthened too. A lot of the anger that I harbored before the visit is gone. It's still awkward, considering I'm blood to these folks but don't really know them that well. But I really care about them. Meeting my half-sisters changed me. It's weird how protective I feel of them, and how different I feel about both of them. I adore both girls, but in different ways. I know that all of this needs to go slowly, and I am trying so hard not to push or be a nag. It's so hard though because I want to talk to them and be around them all the time.

Bernie and Maddie come to visit me next week, so I'm trying to gear up for that. They are going to be here to see our new home for a whole 10 days. It will be so wonderful to spend some time with them and get my mind off all this craziness. But, it will also be good, because if they have questions, I'll have everything here to show them. They have been more open to talking about the whole adoption craziness lately, so it's made our relationship quite a bit easier. But, we generally tend to tear each other's heads off at least once per visit, so I'm dreading that a bit. I'm just happy to spend time with them and show them my home and share some more memories with them. After all, they are still my parents, and I love them with all my heart.

And Hank, I am sure you're reading this. So, from me to you, don't feel bad about anything. You're amazing, and I'm lucky to share your DNA. Yes, all 50% of it. I'm not mad at you. I was before, but that was before. You've filled a hole in my life that has haunted me for so long, and I'm so glad to know you. You don't need to do more, but please don't do less. I'm so grateful for the wonderful weekend where I got to know you and your family. You're all pretty amazing, and it was an overwhelming and extraordinary experience. I'm sorry that I can't control all my anxiety about this situation, but I'm beginning to think the only thing that will cure that is time. I love your terrible dad jokes and I'm trying to learn to like soccer more. I still don't understand it, but that's what you're for, right? You've become a friend that I can't imagine life without, and I love that we have connections that I couldn't have ever dreamed of. Thanks for just wanting to know me; that tiny little want has changed so much.