2.

Those questions I had always just kind of floated around in my mind. Nothing too crazy that I had to investigate immediately, but they were there.

In 2007, I was having a crisis of self. I didn't know who I was or if I was worth it or if I was going to be anything. (Later, I found out that most recent college graduates go through some feelings like this.) During a low point, I wanted to know if there was anyone looking for me. I signed up for some adoption registry websites with the vague information I had (born in Pennsylvania, birth parents were teens) and tried to see if anyone was searching for someone like me. Cue Facebook and a old wonderful friend I had lost touch with, and after a week, I had completely forgotten about those adoption registry sites.

I got married (the first time) in 2010. Looking back now, I was just a kid. My husband and I decided pretty quickly that we wanted to try for kids. I felt like I should look into my genetics and know if there were any surprises in there. At just that time, I got the email. (Some information redacted to protect privacy.)

"We are grandparents trying to locate a girl born June 198x in town 1, Pa and adopted in town 2, Pa.  The parents Anne was 15 or 16 and the father, our son was 16.  Please contact us if you think you may be this person."

They had my exact birth date and knew where I was born. Had I put that information down? Were these really my grandparents? You see, Maddie and Bernie had always told me that they didn't have any information about my birth family. They knew my parents were teenagers, roughly 15 or 16 years old, so it always just made sense to me that I was adopted. But they didn't have any other information about my birth family.

That lack of information was difficult, because for a very long time, I felt like a mistake. When I was sitting in my bedroom at night, tears streaming down my face, blade at my wrists, that idea was what pushed me to make the cut through the skin. It was what pushed me to feel as though I was nothing, not worth love or happiness or success. But as I learned more about myself, I learned that I wasn't a mistake, but as Bob Ross would say, "a happy little accident." I had given Bernie and Maddie so much happiness. I had lived a really amazing life and I was going on to do wonderful things.

Looking at that email, I suddenly had power to answer the questions I had been holding onto for so long. But this is the internet, and people are shifty. Is this really them? I responded that yes, that was my birth date and possibly my place of birth, but that I had very little information and would not be able to do a good confirmation for them. Her response is below.

(Note: I'm going to copy in Amy's emails to me, with some details redacted. To me, the emails are an important part of the story.)

"Both parents of the girl that is being searched for were 15.  If you are who we think you are, then you need to touch base with your parents.  If that is possible.  There are constraints on us but we want all involved to be happy.  The adoption was a private adoption and the birth father's grandfather met with the folks that adopted the girl at a lawyer's office in Pa.  What have your parents told you?  You need to know if you are the one, that there are people who have prayed and really care for you. We feel certain that you are the one. If you are the one you need to know that we are possibly your biological grandparents.  We have your picture of your marriage in June on our refridgerator [sic] with the rest of our grandchildren and you look so much like one of our grandaughters [sic].  Our son, your possible biological father has two daughers [sic] 15 and 14 and he is so afraid of them knowing.  In the past he threatened to keep us from his daughters if we try to find you.  But we could not longer sit back.  You look so much like our son and grandaughter [sic].  
 
We have someone in California who is going to contact you with more information and she is very knowledgeable about adoptions and she was adopted and searched for her birth parents. whom we can talk to as well.  I believe your number is [redacted].  If that isn't correct please let me know. Please keep in contact.  At some point if this all pans out the way we hope, we will sit down and talk with our son.  By the way if you are our grandaughter [sic], you need to know that you came from a very nice family.  All college educated too.    Amy"

OK, not exactly what every kid wants to hear, but this could be really great! I was upset about the information about their son, because after feeling like a mistake for so long, it hurts to hear that almost confirmed. I was also super creeped out that they had my picture from my wedding on their refrigerator. But I get it - if they were looking for someone for so long, that would be comforting for them. 

I didn't run to Bernie and Maddie with this information. It took them 12 years to summon the courage to tell me I was adopted, and when they did, I took it very badly. It crushed them to watch me struggle and go through such a difficult time. I didn't want to hurt my parents again. I love them, and I wasn't going to tell them anything until I had some concrete information. My response to Amy said as much.

"Amy,

This is all very overwhelming for my family and I. I haven't spoken to my parents to get more information from them yet, as I am worried sick about how they are going to take this. I'm not against finding and meeting my birth parents, but right now, this is a lot to take in and wrap my mind around. My husband and I have been interested in finding my medical history as we are trying to have children, but I never thought in a million years that I would find any family online. Please just know that my biggest concern is the well-being of those around me. My parents and my husband mean the world to me and I don't want to put them through any unnecessary stress. I would also hate to see you put your family through any undue concern. May I ask as to why your son is so against finding his daughter? Do you still talk to the birth mother? Who is this lady that's going to call me? (By the way, I would prefer that she email me, as I work a lot and am never around a phone.) I have so many questions that I feel I am so close to answering, but you have to understand the amount of apprehension that I am going through right now."

"When our son found out his girlfriend was pregnant, we didn't handle it well.  We only had two or three weeks before the baby was born when we found out. By the way he was 16 when the baby was born.  So the time was very stressful for us all.  We wanted to adopt the baby but our son and his girlfriend were so against it that we decided not to.  His main concern is that at the present he doesn't want his two girls to find out about the baby in that they both are in their teen age years and he doesn't want to influence them by his past behavior.  If you want we can handle this between us wtihout [sic] him knowing until we feel we can present this whole concept to him.  We wanted to be sure you are indead [sic] his daughter, before we go and talk with him.  If it helps I can give you some medical information at this time.  Our son has asthma and has suffered with it for a number of years.  But other than that he is fine.  The rest of our children are all fine.  There is nothing big medically running in the family.  Your possible biological mother, Anne had a tendancy [sic] to be slightly heavy.  She was of polish heritage.  Our son is scots Irish and some German.  We can stay in touch until we resolve these issues.  Our youngest daughter had a very difficult time getting pregnant and had to eventually go to a fertility clinic.  She now has a 4 and 2 year old.  Presentl [sic] we have the two year old at our home for a couple of weeks to give her a break and to get to know him better.  

 
This person Sue is someone we know well and who was adopted herself and did alot [sic] of searching for her biological family.  She has alot [sic] of of experience in finding adoptive parents and being adopted so we have relied on her for assistance.  We have a fairly good relationship with our son, but he is extremely busy with his job and we don't always get to talk to him the way we want.  We live a couple of states away from him as we moved when we retired.  We have four children, our son being the third one.  They are all college graduates.  I am a retired family therapist and therefore have some understanding about the dynamics of all this.  My husband is a retired scientist.  We have never given up thoughts on our son's daughter.  If you are indeed his daughter and I feel so strongly that you are, we will welcome you with open arms.  My husband met with the parents who adopted the baby and knew they lived somewhere near Pittsburg [sic] at the time and were Catholic.  The baby was born in town 1 and adopted in town 2, Pa, where our son's girl friend moved after the birth.  Our friend can supply you with alot [sic] of facts etc. and I am going to copy her on this email.  We talked to her and she has been in contact with you via the adoption registery [sic] site.  As you, we don't want to put any undue stress etc on our family nor yours.  Perhaps with the information Sue will give you, you can do some research in the town 1 area.  
 
I don't know for sure if you are our grandaughter, [sic] but we have had your picture on our refridgerator [sic] for almost a year.  I finally decided to send you a email on the off chance you would respond especially afer [sic] I saw you had been to your site in Jan.  We can take this slowly and keep it just between us until we feel other family members are ready for the information.  
 

Take care and God Bless, Amy"

He has asthma? Me too! There are scientists in my family? I'm a scientist! I was so happy, I was so excited. I had always heard these adoption reunion stories where people had found all these similarities between them and their birth family. One I remember the most was that the daughter and birth mom both had an affinity for writing in purple pen. I had always wondered if I had a connection like that somewhere.

I remember my husband being supportive and patient with me through this. There were a lot of tears, as a lot of old emotions were bubbling to the surface. I was a teacher at the time, so I talked to the school social worker to see if she had any advice or resources for me. I was scared and anxious and apprehensive, but also so excited to find out if this was truly my story. Unfortunately, the story was about to change.