10.

My world came crashing down with one word: still.

How did she know about this? How many people knew about this? Who was lying to me? Was I being lied to? What the hell was going on?

John is my hero. He is my best friend, my every day joy, the light in the darkness. To say I spent the next 6 hours ugly-crying is an understatement. I don't remember speaking to him. I just cried. What else could I do? And he just drove. He didn't ask me any questions. He didn't try to fix it. Every now and again he would stop so we could go to the bathroom, and before we got back in the car, he would just hold me. I felt like I was losing my grip on everything except him. I felt like I was 12 years old again and Bernie and Maddie were telling me I was adopted. I felt betrayed. I felt lost. I felt very, very alone. I felt old feelings creeping back into my veins, and I had no way of telling them to go away.

My survival skill in these times is just to get to the next moment. Every little breath is a victory. Putting one foot in front of the other is a victory. Once you have accumulated a lot of moments, a lot of victories, then you can start aiming higher. Get to the next day, the next week. We drove home Sunday, and thankfully I had an appointment with Lynn on Monday.

Lynn had assured me there had to be a rational reason as to why my aunt and cousins knew Chris. She was caught off-guard when I told her about the conversation with Brandy. We couldn't believe it. I tried to make the joke that I was some black-market baby that was traded for a Big Gulp in some back alley somewhere. We laughed, but I was really scared that could be true. Lynn comforted me. She gave me words to use when I was hurting and scared.

That night, after talking to Lynn, I emailed Bernie. I told him that I needed honesty from him as to why my aunt and cousins know Chris. I told him that I understand that maybe he was confused and scared too, but that I was hurting. I was hurt that I had to find out about all of this on the internet and on facebook. I told him that I didn't blame him (although at the time I was so angry at him, and I did blame him).

He emailed me back the next day. Here is a bit of what he said:

"We can discuss most anything that we know. We have not been dishonest but have kept with what was required by the court documents and legal procedures as instructed by the presiding judge. 

It took two years before the adoption ever went to court and every day for us and every phone ring put us on pins and needles thinking that something would happen and you would be taken away from us. It would have been devastating. We went through procedures trying to conceive, mom had shots, tests, and every missed period required another pregnancy test. She also had tubal surgery and nothing worked. We were also eliminated from adoption services due to our ages at the time after going through all the medical procedures which took over two years and a ton of heart aches. We decided that invitro [sic] was not affordable for us and we were just tired of doctors and procedures. So we were resolved to remain childless. 

Fortunately after another two years, a wonderful opportunity came along to adopt a beautiful little girl and we jumped at the chance of having an infant in our house. It became a home. But we had to abide by the court legal agreements which was total annonominity [sic] on both parts. The birth parents and family would not know us and we them. This was a request from the birth parents because of their respective ages and then signed off by the attorneys. The reason for the two year delay was so that the mother would attain legal age of 18 and no one could coerce her into making different decisions and her decision would be final and legally binding.  

They then relinquished all parental rights and the documents were then to be sealed. We did not meet with them or them with us. We we sequestered at the court house and arrived and departed at different times. They did not know us. No contact for all these years. We understood that the only birth certificate available would be the one from Pa. that we had been provided showing mom and me as parents and no other papers showing any other information was to be made available and the rest of the documents sealed at the court. 

Did we know the father and family? No 

Did we know the mother and family? No, not really.  Mother, no.  Family, very casually. Your uncle recommended an attorney for us and the attorney handled everything. There were no disclosures to either family or us. 

We never lied to you but only held back some information that we were not legally permitted to disclose, we knew the mother's family name and that is all. 

We did only what we thought was right and legally binding and always wanted to protect you. We love you dearly and there was never a question as to whether you were adopted, you are our daughter since you were three days old and you will always be our daughter in our eyes and hearts. "

So not only did they know the birth family, but I wasn't even completely legally adopted until I was 2.