Bernie and Maddie have been staying at my house for the past 10 days. I have loved having all this time with them, and today, they go back home. I won't get to see them again for 3 more months.
One of the first days they were here, Maddie brought up the adoption and me going to see Hank and his family. She told me that Bernie was really upset about it, which I expected. I imagine it is very hard not to feel threatened in a situation like this, but I reminded her that she and Bernie are my parents and I love them very much. But she made me feel guilty about going to see Hank. I know I shouldn't feel guilty, but her words and the look she was giving me made me feel terrible.
A few days later, Bernie and Maddie and I drove out to visit our families. They live a couple hours today. Bernie and I were driving around that morning getting some errands done before he left. He told me that when we got in the car all together later on our drive, he wanted to know all about my trip to meet Hank. I was shocked - didn't Maddie just tell me how hurt he was? If I have learned anything, it's that I need transparency in all this, so I asked him. I told him that Maddie had said he was really upset by this situation and that my godmother had called me in tears and guilt-tripped me before the trip. He rolled his eyes and told me none of that was true. He just wanted to know that I was safe and that I wouldn't be hurt. He was really interested! We did end up talking about it on the way to our visit. I tried to share the visit as objectively as I could - we visited with Hank and Maura and his daughters on the first day, Amy and Chip the next day, and the final day was with Hank's family and then Karen. I was getting a strange, uncomfortable/tense vibe, so I changed the subject. We didn't talk about it again.
While we were visiting, my aunt Brandy had come home to visit with us as well. You may remember her from #9 where we visited for Thanksgiving and she dropped the bomb about my adoptive family and biological family knowing each other. She was the first family member I had confided in, and I wanted to share updates with her. I showed her pictures of my visit with Hank, Maura, B, and Rebecca. It felt good to share them with a family member who was so interested in it. She said I look a lot like Hank, and she looked through the pictures for a while. She thought I should show them to more people, but I was hesitant. In fact, no one else asked me about the trip, and I didn't share the pictures with anyone else.
Other than that, there hasn't been much happening on the adoption front. I've talked to Maddie about doing something with adoption advocacy, which she totally supports. It feels good to get support from her, as she has been one of the biggest hurdles in this story. Hank and I both agree that it is time for secrets and lies to be done.
Out of this past year, I've realized two very important lessons. The first one is honesty. This whole story could have spared all of the characters a lot of grief if we had just been honest with each other. Secrets and lies in a family tear it apart, not keep it together. I haven't been honest with Bernie and Maddie, they haven't been honest with me, Hank hasn't been honest with his family, and they haven't been honest with him. While it sometimes sucks to admit that you've made a mistake or that everything isn't all rainbows and unicorns, it is so much easier than confessing to it later after you have added insult to injury by lying.
The other lesson I've learned is about family. Just over a year ago, Timothy told me that Hank was my father. Since that moment, I've learned that there is no normal when it comes to family. Every family is strange and crazy and weird. It's just varying levels of strange and crazy and weird. I'm now part of Bernie's family, Maddie's family, John's family, Hank's family, and Karen's family. I even know a bit about Anne's family. None of them are June Cleaver-style normal. Not one! I have more family than most, and so I feel comfortable saying that none of them are normal. You just have to learn to love the strange, embrace the weird, and confront the crazy. We all have it!
No comments:
Post a Comment