12.

So that's not where the story ends, but at least it starts getting easier.

I talked to Bernie and Maddie on the phone a few days after the final emails. Things were awkward, but they were better.

I've decided that I'm going to put off on contacting Hank and Anne for a while. While you only got to read 11 blog posts, this all happened over the course of 6 months. I was exhausted. I didn't need any more drama; I needed to get back with my family and rebuild some of the bridges I had inadvertently started setting on fire.

John and I also needed an emotional break. Just after Christmas, we took a vacation to the Caribbean. We relaxed, sat by the pool, ate food, and just spent time together being married and happy. We hadn't gotten to really do that since our honeymoon. I had forgotten how wonderful it felt to be happy. We enjoyed that time so much, and we were pretty depressed when we came home and it was -2.

While all this has been going on, I've been in contact with Hank's mom and one of his half brothers. They have been kind, and wonderful, and I am so happy to be getting to know them.

Right before Christmas, Hank's half-brother asked me for my address, so that he could add me to his Christmas card list. I obliged. I promptly even forgot he asked due to work being so chaotic and the holidays and just general life.

At the end of January, right before I started making this blog, I got an email from him that he was sending me a small package.

The day I had received it had been a really good day. I had spent time at the aquarium with my friend and had a blast. My day at work had been great, and then I just got to relax, have fun, and eat nachos with a friend that I truly enjoy. When I got home, the package was waiting for me.

Inside the package was a hand-written letter from my uncle, some pages behind it, and a scarf. You see, my dad's family can trace part of their lineage all the way back to a Scottish king in the 12th century. I don't know much about Scottish culture, but I guess each family has a plaid tartan that is unique to that family. The scarf is in our family's plaid. He said, "I thought it'd make a nice 'welcome to the family' present. Also, because to most it just looks like a pretty plaid, you could choose to wear it as your little secret or not...I hope that when you wear it, it keeps you warm but also that it'll put a smile on your face as you remember that there's a pile of people who think of you and wish you well - whether we ever get the chance to meet in person or not."

Then he tells me that he has included pictures - lots of pictures - to help me put together some names and faces from this part of my family. He also added screenshots of his mom's Ancestry family tree. "You're officially on the family tree now and if you let me know your birthdate and last name you grew up with, I'll put them in so it can be a proper record. It'll also shift you in front of your half-sisters to where you should be."

The pictures are awesome. He and his mom put a lot of time in and labeled every picture with names and tried to tell me who each kid and person comes from so I can figure it all out. He even made a family tree by hand so I knew how and who each person came from. He really spent a lot of time and effort on this!!

He included one page of pictures of Hank, his wife, and his two daughters. He told me he has never met my half-sisters, and has only met Hank a couple of times. On the back of the page of pictures, he wrote, "My guess is that Hank won't ever want contact. He's probably racked with piles of guilt over the daughter he didn't take care of. Especially since he seems to be close to the other two. He also probably never told his wife about it...This is all guesswork but they're educated guesses. The family is working on ways to bring up the subject but my guess is that [your half sisters] will be the ones to approach. They're almost out of college and most people do a lot of growing up in their mid 20's and should be receptive to it all. Again, it's just guesswork but we're working on it and putting out feelers. Do whatever you feel is right but feel free to use us to help."

Ok, if you haven't guessed it, I was in a pile of mush and tears again. John was panicking because he couldn't understand why I was crying again. For the first time in this whole saga, these were happy tears. I finally had what I had been searching for for the past 20+ years: I was wanted. Maybe not by Hank and Anne, and maybe I'll never find out their true feelings. But my grandparents and my uncles and aunts - they want to know me. They want to find out on what they have missed out on. Because my aunts and uncles didn't even know I existed until I reached out on Ancestry.

I couldn't figure out how I felt about the note about Hank. It made me sad, but it made me happy as well. I feel like he should know that I'm talking to his family, and I think Anne deserves to know that her friends know me. But I don't have the strength to fix that at this point. I don't want them to feel guilty though.

I wrote a letter back to my uncle. I thanked him profusely for my gifts. They were wonderful and they brought so much joy to me. But I told him that I don't want Hank to feel guilty. I don't think that Hank's family even knows the depth of the situation with Anne's family and my family. I don't think he knows I was given to friends who have given me such a wonderful life. And it's only because he and Anne had the strength to even have me. I don't know all that much about being a pregnant teen in the 1980's, but I do know that they could have found a way to terminate the pregnancy. I do know that they could have tried and I would be not who I am today. But instead, I was given a home and a life that so many kids could only dream of. I was loved, I am loved, and I will be loved for a very long time. I went to good schools. I have two college degrees. I married the man of my dreams. I have traveled around the world. I have privileges that I never even asked for and don't know what to do with. And if Hank and Anne had kept me, maybe I wouldn't have any of that.

I also sent him a book I made of pictures of me. There are pictures of me and John, me and Bernie and Maddie, John and I on our wedding day, my in-laws, my friends, and my family. I told him it is more for his mom than for him, but I at least wanted them to have some nice pictures to show off of their new addition.

I'm sure that Hank and Anne don't think of me with fond memories. I'm the best-kept secret New Jersey has ever had. I know that when Hank's family talks to him, there will be some pain on his part. I mean, what teen wants to go through what they did? And they both got to put it behind them, go to college, start real families, and move on with their lives. I don't want them to have to step back. I want all three of us to go forward. But I don't want there to be any more secrets. If I have learned anything, it's that secrets just tear things apart. Secrets destroy relationships and families.

After musing over all of this for a while, I reached out to Amy last week. Her email has been deleted, but I know who she is on facebook. I reached out to the Amy profile on facebook, and I reached out to Amy's real profile as well. Hank isn't close with his mom, my grandmother whom I have been in contact with. But he is close with his dad and Amy. I thought that maybe it would soften the blow a bit for him if he heard it from Amy and his dad rather than his mom. I don't think she has seen it, and I haven't heard back from them.

For now, that's the end of my story. I know this isn't where the story ends, and as more happens, I'll be back to update this. I needed to write it down and remember it. I want it to help people. Maybe it's an adoptee who feels alone and lost. Maybe it's an adoptive family who doesn't know what to do. Maybe it's birthparents feeling regret over the choice they made. Maybe it's someone who adoption has never touched and is curious about the experience.

This is just my story. And it's very one-sided. It hasn't been pretty, and it hasn't been easy. Maybe you disagree with me and my choices. Maybe you think I'm stupid for putting so much emphasis on this. We all walk our own paths, and this one is mine. And I'm grateful for every step I have taken.