7.

All the excitement was gone. Now it was just fear and pain. I called my two best friends and we went to lunch and I cried and told them everything. They were supportive and kind, and then when they were done with that, they made me laugh. I snuggled my nephew and felt less darkness when I was with them.

I honestly don't remember if I told John right away. I feel like I did, because the pain was a little too much to hide. The only thing I remember are lots and lots of tears.

I told Timothy how grateful I was for his help, but let him know I needed some time to digest this. He was kind and gracious and patient. After a day or two, he wrote me another email introducing me to his mom, my grandmother. She had been so instrumental in helping us put all the pieces together.

Through all of our correspondence, I have found out that my biological family hasn't had a perfect life. My grandmother didn't find out about me until I was about 6 years old, and she was told to never ever mention me to my father. So when Timothy was asking about where I could fit in, she didn't even think about the fact that her son had a daughter when he was younger. But my grandmother and my uncle Timothy were wonderful and kind and better to me than I could have asked for.

I was spending every extra second I had on researching Hank and his family. I also applied to the state of Pennsylvania to receive my original birth certificate.

Before I had decided to do the DNA test, I had been researching adoption laws in Pennsylvania. I found the Pennsylvania Adoption Information Registry (PAIR) several years ago, and I reached out. My search came back with nothing. In 2016, I noticed that a law had been passed in Pennsylvania that allowed adoptees to receive a copy of their original birth records. I waited and read more information. For me, however the birth record turned out it was a win. Either I got a copy of my original birth record with my birth parents' names on it or they could file to have their names redacted, but they would have to submit non-identifying personal information to PAIR. All I wanted was some basic information about myself, so either I would get it or I could contact the people who had it.

While I waited for that information, I tried to gather as much information as I could on Hank and use that information to discern who my birth mother might be. Hank has two daughters - my half sisters - and they are beautiful. My one half sister looks so much like me! When I saw their pictures, there were more tears. Although it is creepy, I printed out their picture and hung it on my desk. It was my very small reminder that there are people out there connected to me, happy, and enjoying a wonderful life. To this day, it makes me happy to see their smiles.

Throughout August, September, and October, I searched for information on who my birth mother might be. I had a first name - Anne - and I was able to determine where Hank went to high school. Thanks to the internet, I found a yearbook, and there was only one Anne who attended the school Hank went to. I found her on facebook, and learned all I could about her.

I tried talking to my friends and I even told my in-laws about everything. No one seemed to understand. In my circle, I'm the only adopted child. The only one that even could start to understand what I am feeling was only a couple months old at the time. My nephew's snuggles were great, but I had to support him, not the other way around. People didn't understand how difficult everything was. Many people told me just to reach out to Hank and my half sisters; they are my family too, so why shouldn't I? But Hank and his daughters are not my family. I didn't want to just reach into their lives and cause pain and tears and who knows what else. I started to feel very alone.

The light at the end of the tunnel kept getting farther and farther away. The more I dove down into this rabbit hole, the more stuck I felt. I felt lost and confused and sad more often than not. I broke down and went to see a counselor, with the support of my husband. I knew that I couldn't cry on his shoulder forever, that I needed to start building myself back up. But I had no way to go about that.

Thankfully, I found Lynn. She specialized in adoption and had an appointment available the next day. Lynn has been an amazing presence in my life, and she helped me to see that I wasn't crazy or out of line in what I was doing. She helped me validate what I was going through and make some rational and good choices.

Lynn and I talked about many things, but one of them was how to talk to Bernie and Maddie about all of this. It was now October, and I knew that I needed to be honest with them about all of this. But I was so confused. Had they lied to me back in 2011 when Amy contacted me? What did they know? Why hadn't I ever seen my adoption paperwork? Did they still have it? Where did they get me - the hospital or a lawyer's office?