19.

There is a LOT that has happened. I'm going to have to split it into two posts.

First of all, if there is anything you learn from this blog, is that there shouldn't be any secrets in families. They are hurtful. Yeah, telling the truth can be hard, especially when you don't want to hurt the people you love. But if you have hurt them, tell them so the healing can begin.

A littler reminder: Back in post 6, I introduced Timothy's mom. Her name is Karen. Karen and Chip are Hank's biological parents. Timothy and Hank are half brothers; Karen is their mom, but they have different dads. Onto the tale...

A while back, Hank called me with a story that he had to tell me. John and I had just bought our new home and my best friend and her son had come over to see the place and celebrate with us.

He told me that there was a distinct possibility that Chip wasn't his dad. When Hank was super little, he said that Karen wasn't totally faithful to Chip. Hank was pretty upset about this; in fact, he never refers to Karen as "mom" - that title goes to Amy. He hasn't even spoken to Karen in several years.

I just see this as another piece of information, and I tuck it away. I have thought about it on and off, but it just was a little echo in the background. Then one day it dawns on me that I am going to solve this mystery for Hank. I have the DNA test; we should have answers.

Since I am planning on visiting Hank and family soon, I was in contact with many of the family fairly regularly. One day, Amy and I were discussing the trip, and I realized I had an opportunity to ask her some questions. Chip has done genealogical research and DNA testing, so I asked her what research he had done. He did the same ancestry test that I did - only I was 100% sure that he wasn't one of my DNA matches.

I began scouring my family trees, my DNA matches, their family trees - there was so much information! I started moving through the list, labeling the people I knew. "Hank's family - Karen's side", "Anne's family", and I was reserving the label "Hank's family - Chip's side" when I figured it out. What was I missing?

After a while, a pattern emerged. There was a link of people with the same ethnic background that didn't seem to be related to Hank or Anne. I started connecting dots wherever I could find them, and I finally found a relative about 6 generations back that everyone shared. This ancestor had more than a half dozen children. I started linking those children to different DNA matches, and I was left with 3 holes. I started researching as far as I could towards the present day, but I kept hitting dead ends.

The last name was pretty unusual, so I started googling as much as I could. I finally found a list of family members and I started cross-referencing that list with who I already had figured out. I decided I would just research all of the names that I didn't have information on already. As I was compiling a list, I noticed a man named Bobby who had died early - he was only 29. A little searching told me that he died after complications from a simple medical procedure. A little more searching, and I found a family tree for him - that was originally created by Karen.

Chip isn't Hank's dad - Bobby is.

I texted Maura about what she thought I should do. Hank is fairly shaken up by all of this, so she thought it was a secret I best kept to myself. But, if I was going to tell him, I should do it face to face. I decided that it was his choice to know, and if he didn't want to know right now, that is his choice. I would keep it to myself.

Hank video calls me that night. I am talking to him, Maura, and Rebecca. It is our first video call ever. It was less awkward than I had thought it would be: in fact we had a lot of fun! When Maura and Rebecca moved to another room, Hank asked me who he was related to. Did Maura tell him??

Turns out that Maura's tablet (which is connected to her phone) was going off while she was at work and Hank read all of our messages. His choice was that he wanted to know. I made him confess to Maura (NO SECRETS!), and she and Rebecca braced with Hank as I went through the story.

As I got to Bobby's name, I said, "So it turns out that I think your father may be this Robert Smith guy." Just as I made that statement, Maura and Hank turned to each other and said "It was Bobby."

Later on, I found a picture of Bobby. Hank and I both look a lot like him. Hank doesn't like his ears, but we are both stuck with them!

When I found Karen's family tree, I contacted her with the question of who is Bobby? Her response was that she didn't want to talk about it over messenger, would I call her?

We finally talked on the phone, and she was heartbroken. Bobby was her first love - starting in middle school. They dated, but lost touch when he went to college. After Karen and Chip got married, she was very unhappy. She and Bobby had a brief affair, of which Hank was the product. Karen felt (and still feels) immense guilt. She cared for Chip a lot, and she even said that Chip is a fantastic dad. Chip has raised Hank his entire life - Karen chose to walk away because of the immense guilt she feels. (Disclaimer: I'm sure there are many more feelings and much more to that story, but that is what I heard from her.) Bobby died early, and Karen knew Hank was his son; they look too much alike. She told Maura the secret several years ago because Chip had said he wanted Hank to take a DNA test. Not that anyone thinks Chip suspects anything, but Chip is really excited about genealogical research. She didn't want Chip to find out like that, and she didn't want Hank to find out like that.

She also wanted me to know the story because I leave tomorrow to go meet all of them.

1.

This is what I knew. I knew I was born in Pennsylvania, and the only daughter of Bernie and Maddie. I knew that I had lived in Pennsylvania until I was seven years old, and then we moved to Illinois. I knew that I had 11 cousins, many who felt like my brothers and sisters because we spent so much time together. I knew that I went to three different elementary schools, because we had moved and then I had been accepted into a gifted program for fifth and sixth grade. I knew that I wanted to be a marine biologist, and I worked hard in middle and high school to excel in science. (Note the nod to science in the title...yes, I am a total nerd.)

When I was 12, things I "knew" started to change. I wasn't totally and completely the daughter of Bernie and Maddie; I was adopted. I went from being the only daughter to adopted. I knew what that word meant, but I didn't know how it felt. It didn't feel good. It felt like lies. It felt like betrayal.

Let's just throw all this on top of the adoption revelation: puberty, middle school, high school, low self-esteem, and some reasons to bully me. We can add some major depression, and we end up with 6 years of not so healthy mental status.

By college, I was finally in a decent place. My family and I even joked about it. "You got wrinkles where?!?!? Good thing I'm adopted!" I understood that just because Maddie and Bernie hadn't given birth to me, they had raised me. They had loved me. They gave me anything and everything I could imagine. They were, are, and will be my family until forever.

Of course I still had questions. I think most adopted kids do. And I had these far-flung ideas of who I was. Bernie's family is really into their heritage. My dad is 2nd generation American, as his grandparents all hailed from southern and eastern Europe at the turn of the century. His family still makes trips to their home country, and my grandmother spoke her mother's language fluently. Growing up, she taught me a lot about their culture and heritage, and I was fascinated by it. But when I found out that these people weren't my blood, my feelings around that changed. I felt like an outsider, I felt different. I didn't feel like that background belonged to me anymore.

So where did I come from? Whose genes were in my blood? Why do I have this god-awful nose structure?

2.

Those questions I had always just kind of floated around in my mind. Nothing too crazy that I had to investigate immediately, but they were there.

In 2007, I was having a crisis of self. I didn't know who I was or if I was worth it or if I was going to be anything. (Later, I found out that most recent college graduates go through some feelings like this.) During a low point, I wanted to know if there was anyone looking for me. I signed up for some adoption registry websites with the vague information I had (born in Pennsylvania, birth parents were teens) and tried to see if anyone was searching for someone like me. Cue Facebook and a old wonderful friend I had lost touch with, and after a week, I had completely forgotten about those adoption registry sites.

I got married (the first time) in 2010. Looking back now, I was just a kid. My husband and I decided pretty quickly that we wanted to try for kids. I felt like I should look into my genetics and know if there were any surprises in there. At just that time, I got the email. (Some information redacted to protect privacy.)

"We are grandparents trying to locate a girl born June 198x in town 1, Pa and adopted in town 2, Pa.  The parents Anne was 15 or 16 and the father, our son was 16.  Please contact us if you think you may be this person."

They had my exact birth date and knew where I was born. Had I put that information down? Were these really my grandparents? You see, Maddie and Bernie had always told me that they didn't have any information about my birth family. They knew my parents were teenagers, roughly 15 or 16 years old, so it always just made sense to me that I was adopted. But they didn't have any other information about my birth family.

That lack of information was difficult, because for a very long time, I felt like a mistake. When I was sitting in my bedroom at night, tears streaming down my face, blade at my wrists, that idea was what pushed me to make the cut through the skin. It was what pushed me to feel as though I was nothing, not worth love or happiness or success. But as I learned more about myself, I learned that I wasn't a mistake, but as Bob Ross would say, "a happy little accident." I had given Bernie and Maddie so much happiness. I had lived a really amazing life and I was going on to do wonderful things.

Looking at that email, I suddenly had power to answer the questions I had been holding onto for so long. But this is the internet, and people are shifty. Is this really them? I responded that yes, that was my birth date and possibly my place of birth, but that I had very little information and would not be able to do a good confirmation for them. Her response is below.

(Note: I'm going to copy in Amy's emails to me, with some details redacted. To me, the emails are an important part of the story.)

"Both parents of the girl that is being searched for were 15.  If you are who we think you are, then you need to touch base with your parents.  If that is possible.  There are constraints on us but we want all involved to be happy.  The adoption was a private adoption and the birth father's grandfather met with the folks that adopted the girl at a lawyer's office in Pa.  What have your parents told you?  You need to know if you are the one, that there are people who have prayed and really care for you. We feel certain that you are the one. If you are the one you need to know that we are possibly your biological grandparents.  We have your picture of your marriage in June on our refridgerator [sic] with the rest of our grandchildren and you look so much like one of our grandaughters [sic].  Our son, your possible biological father has two daughers [sic] 15 and 14 and he is so afraid of them knowing.  In the past he threatened to keep us from his daughters if we try to find you.  But we could not longer sit back.  You look so much like our son and grandaughter [sic].  
 
We have someone in California who is going to contact you with more information and she is very knowledgeable about adoptions and she was adopted and searched for her birth parents. whom we can talk to as well.  I believe your number is [redacted].  If that isn't correct please let me know. Please keep in contact.  At some point if this all pans out the way we hope, we will sit down and talk with our son.  By the way if you are our grandaughter [sic], you need to know that you came from a very nice family.  All college educated too.    Amy"

OK, not exactly what every kid wants to hear, but this could be really great! I was upset about the information about their son, because after feeling like a mistake for so long, it hurts to hear that almost confirmed. I was also super creeped out that they had my picture from my wedding on their refrigerator. But I get it - if they were looking for someone for so long, that would be comforting for them. 

I didn't run to Bernie and Maddie with this information. It took them 12 years to summon the courage to tell me I was adopted, and when they did, I took it very badly. It crushed them to watch me struggle and go through such a difficult time. I didn't want to hurt my parents again. I love them, and I wasn't going to tell them anything until I had some concrete information. My response to Amy said as much.

"Amy,

This is all very overwhelming for my family and I. I haven't spoken to my parents to get more information from them yet, as I am worried sick about how they are going to take this. I'm not against finding and meeting my birth parents, but right now, this is a lot to take in and wrap my mind around. My husband and I have been interested in finding my medical history as we are trying to have children, but I never thought in a million years that I would find any family online. Please just know that my biggest concern is the well-being of those around me. My parents and my husband mean the world to me and I don't want to put them through any unnecessary stress. I would also hate to see you put your family through any undue concern. May I ask as to why your son is so against finding his daughter? Do you still talk to the birth mother? Who is this lady that's going to call me? (By the way, I would prefer that she email me, as I work a lot and am never around a phone.) I have so many questions that I feel I am so close to answering, but you have to understand the amount of apprehension that I am going through right now."

"When our son found out his girlfriend was pregnant, we didn't handle it well.  We only had two or three weeks before the baby was born when we found out. By the way he was 16 when the baby was born.  So the time was very stressful for us all.  We wanted to adopt the baby but our son and his girlfriend were so against it that we decided not to.  His main concern is that at the present he doesn't want his two girls to find out about the baby in that they both are in their teen age years and he doesn't want to influence them by his past behavior.  If you want we can handle this between us wtihout [sic] him knowing until we feel we can present this whole concept to him.  We wanted to be sure you are indead [sic] his daughter, before we go and talk with him.  If it helps I can give you some medical information at this time.  Our son has asthma and has suffered with it for a number of years.  But other than that he is fine.  The rest of our children are all fine.  There is nothing big medically running in the family.  Your possible biological mother, Anne had a tendancy [sic] to be slightly heavy.  She was of polish heritage.  Our son is scots Irish and some German.  We can stay in touch until we resolve these issues.  Our youngest daughter had a very difficult time getting pregnant and had to eventually go to a fertility clinic.  She now has a 4 and 2 year old.  Presentl [sic] we have the two year old at our home for a couple of weeks to give her a break and to get to know him better.  

 
This person Sue is someone we know well and who was adopted herself and did alot [sic] of searching for her biological family.  She has alot [sic] of of experience in finding adoptive parents and being adopted so we have relied on her for assistance.  We have a fairly good relationship with our son, but he is extremely busy with his job and we don't always get to talk to him the way we want.  We live a couple of states away from him as we moved when we retired.  We have four children, our son being the third one.  They are all college graduates.  I am a retired family therapist and therefore have some understanding about the dynamics of all this.  My husband is a retired scientist.  We have never given up thoughts on our son's daughter.  If you are indeed his daughter and I feel so strongly that you are, we will welcome you with open arms.  My husband met with the parents who adopted the baby and knew they lived somewhere near Pittsburg [sic] at the time and were Catholic.  The baby was born in town 1 and adopted in town 2, Pa, where our son's girl friend moved after the birth.  Our friend can supply you with alot [sic] of facts etc. and I am going to copy her on this email.  We talked to her and she has been in contact with you via the adoption registery [sic] site.  As you, we don't want to put any undue stress etc on our family nor yours.  Perhaps with the information Sue will give you, you can do some research in the town 1 area.  
 
I don't know for sure if you are our grandaughter, [sic] but we have had your picture on our refridgerator [sic] for almost a year.  I finally decided to send you a email on the off chance you would respond especially afer [sic] I saw you had been to your site in Jan.  We can take this slowly and keep it just between us until we feel other family members are ready for the information.  
 

Take care and God Bless, Amy"

He has asthma? Me too! There are scientists in my family? I'm a scientist! I was so happy, I was so excited. I had always heard these adoption reunion stories where people had found all these similarities between them and their birth family. One I remember the most was that the daughter and birth mom both had an affinity for writing in purple pen. I had always wondered if I had a connection like that somewhere.

I remember my husband being supportive and patient with me through this. There were a lot of tears, as a lot of old emotions were bubbling to the surface. I was a teacher at the time, so I talked to the school social worker to see if she had any advice or resources for me. I was scared and anxious and apprehensive, but also so excited to find out if this was truly my story. Unfortunately, the story was about to change.

3.

At this point, I wasn't in a very good spot. I felt like I was cheating on my parents with these people. I didn't know them. I didn't know if they were real. I didn't know if they were being honest. I couldn't find any information with the name Amy Brown, and I couldn't find any pictures. I emailed this Sue person, whom I did not trust at all, but I felt stuck.

I let Amy know what I was feeling. For some reason, I felt like she could be being honest. It had been over 20 years and finally someone was looking for me. I felt needed, and that part of it felt good. The rest of it didn't. I told her that I was waiting to talk to my parents until I had some solid information and had an idea of how to talk to them without hurting them. I also told her I had questions and wanted to figure this out. I told her there are some similarities in what she shared, but that I was hurt that her son didn't want his family to know. That part hurt the most. She responded.

"Your response is fine.  In this case I don't know what kind of response is appropriate.  We are anxious and frightened also in this case.  First of all I want to say this about our son, he told us well over ten years ago that he would disown us if we tried to locate you.  We haven't discussed this issue with him since.  We can maintain a low profile right now and certainly we understand your feelings about your parents and we have to say we are delighted that they took such good care of you, that was our fear over the years.  We wanted to adopt you when we found out about your pending birth, but it caused such an up roar [sic] with our son and his girlfriend that we backed off.  But you can be rest assured we wanted you in the worst way and you have been a very important part of our lives over the years. You were born on my father's birthday so how could I forget.  
 
Sue is a cousin of my husband and we found her when we were doing some genealogicalresearch [sic].  We have been researching family records for some years and found that she was related.  She did extensive research to locate her biological family as she was adopted.  Therefore we feel she is the best person to help.  We have complete trust in her and her advice.  We don't want to rush anything and we don't want to give you any undo [sic] grief etc.  Our primary concern is your happiness and welfare.  So you can set the pace in this or you can say you don't want to go any further and we will be fine with that.  We are just happy to know you are well and happy.
 
I forgot to mention that there is a milk sensitivity running in our family.  My husband's parents had goats for him and his brothers and our youngest daughter had to use a soy bean formula.  But for some reason our son never had the milk sensitivity.  He did have lots of allergies and went to an doctor to be treated for his allergies for several years.  His asthma has always been an ongoing problem for him.  Cats and dogs bother him really bad.  
 
I will be happy to answer any questions you may have and I have to say please disregard any spelling errors in this email.    We are working hard to find the birth mother.  We didn't have any contact with her followng [sic] your birth.  She was not happy with us.  We didn't know her well at all.  
 
We are not trying to cause any problems between you and your parents.  They are your parents and we are so happy you feel the way you do about them.  It is normal to want to know about your birth parents and we will help as much as we can.  We have all the time in the world.  We really just want you to know that we have spent 15 years looking for you and want you to know there is a whole family that loves you and has not forgotten you.  No matter what you will be a part of our family not matter what happens.  Every June, we especially remember you.  
  My time is yours, Amy"

That first paragraph was a dagger. I don't remember how many times I read and re-read that paragraph. He will disown his own parents if they try to find me. That is how painful I am to him. I didn't do anything to him; it's partly his fault I even exist! There were more similarities in the email, but they almost didn't matter as much as that first paragraph. I had felt lied to and betrayed when I was 12 and found out about my adoption, and I felt betrayed again by a man I didn't even know. I felt lost and hurt and scared and the sadness was overwhelming. Even now, 7 years later, I still feel that pain and hopelessness. It's like a smoldering fire that threatens to reignite. What I wouldn't give to never feel that pain again.

I reached out to this Sue person to ask the big question: are these people who they say they are?I didn't like her, I didn't trust her, and I was very cautious in everything I told her. I had a lot of anger starting to build up from all of this, and I was starting to become resentful of these people.

Her response changed my world forever.

"Good question!  I could explain it but I thought it better coming from your grandparents so you could see some of the journey.  I want this whole situation to be as open as possible for both sides.

I am forwarding this letter from your grandfather.  I understand the sensitivity of this whole situation and think both sides can be facilitated without endangering and hurting a lot of people that you both love so much.

In this day and age I would suggest a DNA test.  They are cheap, and easy to do, with accurate results if you need absolute proof.  When I was searching for my biological parents I had to get an original copy of my birth certificate from the hall of records. They black out all the pertinent information, of course.  I only had one hour before the ink dried to get it to the crime lab so they could lift the ink.  This way I was able to obtain my biological last name and biological mothers maiden name.  Thank god it was an unusual name!  So things have come a long way.  You also have the willing people that want to be found.

Finding biological parents and all the happy stuff you see on T.V. is not always the case.

Sometimes there is a lot of pain and then there are a lot of rewards as anything in life.

Your biological Mother has maintained her maiden name as part of her married name.  She has two sons. 

You are in a very unique situation.  Your Grandparents want to be your friends which equals no pain and both of your situations can be respected.  Take things slow and in your comfort level.   I don’t see this situation as destroying your life but adding to your own person.

Take care,

Sue

Sue,

Forward this letter after you make your comments or edit it. I guess you are right we will cool our jets for awhile and will not let our son know.  We can't afford any heart ache that may occur.  If she responds please keep me in the loop.  I have mentioned real names so she knows we are real.  And I am a hundred percent certain she is the girl we are seeking.  Please delete our email address before sending this.  Thanks 

Dear [name redacted]

I am a hundred percent sure that I am your grandfather of your biological father.  Birth records from town 1 indicate that there were five babies on the same day that were adopted out through town 2, Pa.  So we know you are one of those five. We boiled this down to several because two were black and their living addresses were in town 1 and town 2.  The other one had a Spanish surname and I believe went to Baltimore. There were two left one of which a living residence was Warren, Pa and one which was hometown.  I remember from meeting your parents in the Lawyers office that they said they lived I believe in hometown.  So the facts are very clear to me that you are the one out of the five.

We will investigate the adoption of the girl that lived in Warren, Pa.  But any of the records that we can find do not indicated that your family living in Warren, Pa.  So that leaves you.  This all has come upon us as fast as you have experienced it.  We have been advertising on adoption websites for 20 years and probably weren't experienced to know what to do.  My cousin Sue, in California, has genuine experience in this type of matter.  And I really depend on her to help both you and I.  Primarily at this point I am satisfied that you were well taken care of, educated and are well situated in life.  I never wanted to have any impact on your relationship with your adopted parents.  I would really like to know you personally no matter what my son or your biological  mother feel.  I as a grandfather have prayed for you and love you every day of your life.  I want to clear some things up with you.  My son's biological mother is presently not the woman to whom I am married.  Amy Brown is the pseudonym we use in responding to and researching adopted children so that no one could get emotionally hurt.  I am a man of 71 years been married to my present wife for 41 years.  I got sole custody of Hank and my present wife and I raised him along with three other children.  It's important to me that you understand us.  I am not unfamiliar with the many issues in adoption since I adopted my present wife's two children.  One of them after 40 years demanded to be put in touch with her biological father which we helped to facilitate.  This has been emotionally trying for us and I know for you but we are all going to live through it. 

The only way I know for you to be sure is to confirm some facts that we know from your parents or to complete a DNA test which would have to be done between you, me and Hank's biological mother.  I would like really to confirm your feelings without my son being aware of it so that he is not upset before its necessary. He has threatened me to keep me from his two daughters and I believe he might do that and I love them as I love you.  I believe he is afraid of what this wife, daughters and in-laws would think.  I don't believe his wife's family know anything about you.  My cousin Sue, believes that I would be making an unacceptable risk to come out and tell him and would be best if this is your desire and you seek him out rather than me being involved after seeking out your biological mother and Sue has that information on how to contact her. 

Hank lives on the east coast Anne your biological mother lives in the town 1 area and are both easily found as Sue has all this information.  The choices and decisions to be made are yours and you can contact Sue for all of this information.  I would really love to tell you who I am but Sue feels that is not a good idea either.  I am available and the choices is yours.  Just knowing you are ok really helps me.  My wife is my sole mate and feels the same way.  She raised Hank from the age of two.  We live in Virginia.  Attached is a picture of Hank and Anne at his Senior prom taken in May 198x.  You were born in June 198x.

  Your Grandfather"

(I have changed some identifying information in this email. Both birth parent's names and all of the towns have been changed. I'm sorry if that makes it difficult to read, but I am trying to protect people. I never changed Amy's name, since it isn't her name anyway. Sue had taken all of the real names out, so I didn't have them at all. I couldn't do anymore research.)

After reading this email, I finally had enough. I needed my family, and I needed to know if any of this was true. I needed to know answers. I printed out all of the emails, changed nothing, included all my responses. I told my husband I was ready to confront my parents, but that I needed him with me. We went to dinner, and after dinner was over, I showed them everything. They read everything while I cried. They understood why I was asking the questions. They weren't mad. They hugged me and told me everything would be ok. But the most important thing they told me was that these people were lying to me. They told me I was right to trust my gut, but that I needed to cut ties with these people now. And I did. I never responded.

Amy reached out to me once more, in July of that year.

"Hope this doesn't upset you or anything, but wanted you to know that we talked to our son this past weekend about you.  He said he had no problem if you wanted to contact him nor did his wife.  He also said they were going to talk to their daughters about you.  Don't know if this helps in your decision making process but wanted you to know.  When I mentioned to him what he said about us not having contact with his girls years ago he said he had forgotten he made that statement and didn't mean it now.  So the field is open should you choose to make a move or not.  Sincerely Amy"

My response was that I had talked to my parents, and there were too many glaring inconsistencies. I told her to stop contacting me. I have never talked to her again.

From 2011, that was the last contact I had with people claiming to be my biological family. The questions remained, and so did the pain. To this day, I never got over this Hank person saying he wanted no contact with his daughter and he would disown people if they tried to find me. Even if he wasn't real, the sentiment could be. It stopped me from ever wanting to know these people. It didn't stop the questions of medical history and heritage, but I didn't want to know these people or their names or their faces.

But the story doesn't end there.

4.

I met my husband in November 2005, at a Cosby sweater party. At least, that was what we called them in college; I think that name has lost its "PC" value now. He was charming and cute, but he thought he was a little bigger than his britches. I liked him, but I didn't like him enough to date him seriously. We always had a good time when we went out on dates, and that's what kept him in my memory.

I married and divorced my first husband within a year. We tried having kids together, and I'm grateful every day that we weren't successful. When I was divorcing, everyone told me how "easy" I had it because we don't have kids or a house or any common property. Easy was not the word I would choose for a divorce. I don't hate my ex-husband; I don't even harbor any negative feelings for him. He and I are both so happy now. We just weren't right for each other. If he ever reads this, I hope he knows how grateful I am to him for the 5 years we were together, for all the laughs, and for all the support. Because of him, I grew so much and I found true happiness because of the pain we caused each other.

My first husband supported me through that first adoption trial. My second husband has been my rock through the second adoption trial. John and I started dating in 2013. We had been talking and catching up for months, and he lived several states away at the time. On our second first date, he took me on a whirlwind adventure around his city. As we sat in the sunshine on that second very first date, I knew I was going to marry him. John has changed how I see myself. He has helped me to get out of debt and love myself for who I am. We have traveled the world together, and I'm so excited to see where life takes us.

John asked me to marry him on a beach in Naples, Florida in April 2015. I married John in June 2017 under a bright blue sky with our parents and siblings surrounding us. I've never been happier.

John thinks of himself as a cinema buff. He took one film class in college and now he has an opinion on every movie. (Full disclaimer: I've watched and enjoyed a lot of movies with him that I would have never considered without him.) John is also a cigar snob, coffee snob, flannel snob, whiskey snob, and wine snob. I think it is adorable and he has taught me a lot about coffee and wine, so I really can't complain too much.

In March of 2017, we watched a movie called Lion. It is about a boy in India who falls asleep on a train and wakes up hundreds of miles away from his home. He is put into an orphanage and adopted by a foreign couple. After many years, he remembers his life before his adoption, and decides to try and find his family, no matter how hard it may be. He succeeds, and the credits show the real boy and the real pictures of him from his adoption to his very happy reunion.

I cried a lot during that movie. I cried because it hit home. I cried because the story was beautiful. I cried because it could never be my story. I cried because Nicole Kidman and David Wenham reminded me so much of how much I was loved by Bernie and Maddie. I cried because some of the awkwardness in the initial adoption scenes reminded me of those awkward first weeks after the adoption revelation in my own life.

After that movie, I decided that I was going to get my answers. I had enough with the unknowns. I wanted some "knowns". John and I might one day decide we want kids. At the moment, we don't, but if I have learned anything, it is that life can change in an instant. What surprises were in store? I also have had a lot of strange health issues from gall bladders to reproductive concerns. Why? What was causing these?

Thanks to the Adoption subreddit, I was able to find some good information about genetic testing. I ordered an AncestryDNA test kit, and spit into a tube. And then I waited.

5.

And I waited. Still waited. Waited some more.

Memorial Day 2017, my in-laws came to stay with us for the weekend. We were about a month out from our wedding, and it was nice to have a distraction from the planning and craziness. (Full disclaimer: my in-laws are absolutely extraordinary people, and I'm so lucky to have them.) Because of my work schedule, I'm usually awake at 7am on the weekends. That Saturday morning, I rolled over and did what I always do first thing in the morning - grabbed my phone and checked my email.

I had prepared myself for this moment for a while. I wasn't going to see a parent or siblings. Probably just some distant cousin. But it would be a start. I could start finding relatives and names and doing research and find out if there was cancer or ALS or Alzheimer's or spontaneous combustion. I could ask questions and get some real answers. But I really hadn't prepared myself enough.

I had a first or second cousin, and his name is Timothy. More tears, but silent ones this time. I wasn't ready to tell John about this, and I certainly didn't want to ruin the weekend with his parents. He knew I had done the test, and I wasn't really ready to open up about all of this yet. I was scared of being hurt again, just like those people had hurt me in 2011. I was scared I was going to find a similar story, that I still wasn't wanted by them.

I wanted to email Timothy that very moment. I wanted to ask him every question and what he knew and who my people are and where I came from...but I didn't. I hit pause, and I hit it hard. This person may not know I exist, and my appearance could cause a lot of drama. So I waited. I enjoyed my time with my in-laws and I waited. I waited almost two and a half weeks. Every day, I talked out what I wanted to say in my head and what the possible responses could be.

I emailed Timothy and introduced myself. I heard nothing.

Over the next two months, a lot happened. I married the love of my life and enjoyed a beautiful wedding celebration. John and I went on a fairy tale honeymoon. And two more cousins popped up on Ancestry. I emailed both but only heard back from one, and she quit responding after the first email.

While we were on our honeymoon, I read in the adoption subreddit about a person who was on a very similar journey to mine. This person sent an email to a cousin on Ancestry who turned out to be their aunt and within days they had reconnected with their birth family. I talked to John about what I had been doing and asked his advice: should I give it another go? He said he thought it was worth a try, so I sent my version of the email I had found online to Timothy and the other cousins.

On August 1, I heard back from Timothy. And this is where the new chain of events begins.

6.

Timothy was so kind and helpful. It turns out he is an adoptive father himself and understood where I was coming from. But he had no idea who I was or whose child I was.

Timothy started asking his mom questions. She is really interested in genealogy and Ancestry, so she was eager to help as well. Needless to say, I got very little actual work done on these days. I spent lots of time researching Timothy and his family once he and his mom started giving me names and information. I was able to search a bunch of public family trees and start finding similar names to my DNA list. I uploaded my Ancestry data to GEDMatch to see if there were any more connections there. (There weren't.)

Timothy and I emailed each other for two days straight. I searched and searched and calculated and hypothesized about where I might fit into this giant puzzle. I'm a biologist, and I am really interested in pedigrees, evolution, and genetic inheritance, so that was a big help. But it just didn't make sense - I had all these cousins, but I couldn't figure out how I was related. Where was my missing piece? At the end of the second day - the very last email of the night - Timothy told me he had a half brother.

Something didn't feel right. Something didn't feel right at all. As soon as I read that sentence, and re-read that sentence, and then read it again, my heart sank. I had such a bad premonition, but it couldn't be. I could be his half-niece. Is that even a thing? Does that exist? I thought about it all night. I pored over all my notes again. Right before I shut off my phone for the night, I googled the percentages of DNA you share with family, particularly a half-uncle. You share 12.5% of your DNA with your first cousin. You share 12.5% of your DNA with a half uncle. This could be it. I had to ask the question I feared the most: what is your half brother's name?

As soon as I got to a computer the next morning, I emailed Timothy that exact question. I had his answer pretty quickly: Hank. My heart started to shatter into a billion pieces. My next email was simple - do you know anyone in this picture? Along with that message, I forwarded the picture my "grandfather" had sent to me back in 2011.

Timothy's answer broke what was left of my heart that morning. It was along the lines of "that's funny, how do you have a picture of Hank?"

Those people that my parents said lied to me - they were my grandparents. It wasn't a lie. Hank was my dad and Anne was my mom and there was nothing I could do about that. I now had the genetic confirmation that Sue had asked me for all those years ago. I turned off all the lights in my office and cried.

7.

All the excitement was gone. Now it was just fear and pain. I called my two best friends and we went to lunch and I cried and told them everything. They were supportive and kind, and then when they were done with that, they made me laugh. I snuggled my nephew and felt less darkness when I was with them.

I honestly don't remember if I told John right away. I feel like I did, because the pain was a little too much to hide. The only thing I remember are lots and lots of tears.

I told Timothy how grateful I was for his help, but let him know I needed some time to digest this. He was kind and gracious and patient. After a day or two, he wrote me another email introducing me to his mom, my grandmother. She had been so instrumental in helping us put all the pieces together.

Through all of our correspondence, I have found out that my biological family hasn't had a perfect life. My grandmother didn't find out about me until I was about 6 years old, and she was told to never ever mention me to my father. So when Timothy was asking about where I could fit in, she didn't even think about the fact that her son had a daughter when he was younger. But my grandmother and my uncle Timothy were wonderful and kind and better to me than I could have asked for.

I was spending every extra second I had on researching Hank and his family. I also applied to the state of Pennsylvania to receive my original birth certificate.

Before I had decided to do the DNA test, I had been researching adoption laws in Pennsylvania. I found the Pennsylvania Adoption Information Registry (PAIR) several years ago, and I reached out. My search came back with nothing. In 2016, I noticed that a law had been passed in Pennsylvania that allowed adoptees to receive a copy of their original birth records. I waited and read more information. For me, however the birth record turned out it was a win. Either I got a copy of my original birth record with my birth parents' names on it or they could file to have their names redacted, but they would have to submit non-identifying personal information to PAIR. All I wanted was some basic information about myself, so either I would get it or I could contact the people who had it.

While I waited for that information, I tried to gather as much information as I could on Hank and use that information to discern who my birth mother might be. Hank has two daughters - my half sisters - and they are beautiful. My one half sister looks so much like me! When I saw their pictures, there were more tears. Although it is creepy, I printed out their picture and hung it on my desk. It was my very small reminder that there are people out there connected to me, happy, and enjoying a wonderful life. To this day, it makes me happy to see their smiles.

Throughout August, September, and October, I searched for information on who my birth mother might be. I had a first name - Anne - and I was able to determine where Hank went to high school. Thanks to the internet, I found a yearbook, and there was only one Anne who attended the school Hank went to. I found her on facebook, and learned all I could about her.

I tried talking to my friends and I even told my in-laws about everything. No one seemed to understand. In my circle, I'm the only adopted child. The only one that even could start to understand what I am feeling was only a couple months old at the time. My nephew's snuggles were great, but I had to support him, not the other way around. People didn't understand how difficult everything was. Many people told me just to reach out to Hank and my half sisters; they are my family too, so why shouldn't I? But Hank and his daughters are not my family. I didn't want to just reach into their lives and cause pain and tears and who knows what else. I started to feel very alone.

The light at the end of the tunnel kept getting farther and farther away. The more I dove down into this rabbit hole, the more stuck I felt. I felt lost and confused and sad more often than not. I broke down and went to see a counselor, with the support of my husband. I knew that I couldn't cry on his shoulder forever, that I needed to start building myself back up. But I had no way to go about that.

Thankfully, I found Lynn. She specialized in adoption and had an appointment available the next day. Lynn has been an amazing presence in my life, and she helped me to see that I wasn't crazy or out of line in what I was doing. She helped me validate what I was going through and make some rational and good choices.

Lynn and I talked about many things, but one of them was how to talk to Bernie and Maddie about all of this. It was now October, and I knew that I needed to be honest with them about all of this. But I was so confused. Had they lied to me back in 2011 when Amy contacted me? What did they know? Why hadn't I ever seen my adoption paperwork? Did they still have it? Where did they get me - the hospital or a lawyer's office?

8.

Lynn suggested that I write them a letter. My parents live very far from me, but I was going to be able to see them for Thanksgiving, and that was coming quickly. So for two weeks, I worked on drafting  a letter to Bernie and Maddie. I did my best to write out how much I loved them. I wanted them to know that I wasn't trying to replace them in any way, but that I just wanted answers to who I was and why my body works the way it does. I sent it at the beginning of November, and I told them I would contact them on a certain day after work to talk, to give them time to digest everything.

In the letter, I told them that I wanted my medical information. I related how frustrating it is to not have a medical history. I told them that I had asked PAIR for the non-identifying information, but had received nothing. I also told them I had applied for a copy of my original birth certificate. (For those confused on this point, as an adopted child in a closed adoption, my official birth certificate has Bernie and Maddie listed as my parents.) I told them about the movie and how it changed how I wanted to go about things, and that I had done the DNA test. I told them I had found a "cousin" and that I needed more information from them, my parents, before I moved forward. I told them I loved them and didn't want to add to my family, I just wanted to know more about me.

Before I sent the letter, I let John read it. He said it was perfect, and he wouldn't change a thing. He even asked some questions about things I didn't realize I hadn't told him. I also showed it to Lynn. She said it said perfectly what I wanted it to say. I felt really good about sending that letter.

When I called, things were different. I only spoke to Bernie, and he wouldn't let me speak to Maddie. We had a very forced and awkward conversation. The letter  never came up. I was waiting for him to bring it up, so that he could have some control and tell me about how they were thinking and feeling. I had expected the awkwardness, but they had been so wonderful in 2011 when this all popped up, and I knew things were going to be fine.

I texted Bernie a while after I got off the phone with him. I asked him if he had received the letter. He said yes...and then nothing.

I called them back two days later on my way home from work. This phone call was different. Bernie wasn't angry, but he wasn't happy either. Why couldn't I just go see more doctors about my health issues? Why can't I just trust what the doctors are telling me? (Full disclaimer: I've spent the last 23 years dealing with a specific health issue. I have seen at least a dozen doctors who all tell me something different. This health issue has resulted in me being unable to have children.) While he was going through this tantrum about doctors and why do I even want to go down this road and do I even trust the information I'm getting, all I could feel was my heart breaking. I couldn't understand his response.

Then Maddie got on the phone. She was angry. At this time, I don't remember all that was said, but I remember her saying, "if you want to go and have another family..." and I hung up on her. I scream-cried. I went out onto the porch and scream-cried for what seemed like hours. I went into an old reflex of pouring myself a glass of wine to try and drown whatever problems there were, and I kept scream-crying. When John got me to come back inside, I went into the guest room and cried and cried and cried.

It felt like my parents didn't even read my letter. I couldn't understand their reaction at all. John was furious; he told me later that he almost called them himself.

Things were only going to get stranger in the next few days.

9.

Not too many days after that phone call, my birth certificate arrived. Hank's name was on there, as was Anne's. Turns out, I had been searching the wrong Anne the whole time. They hadn't named me; I had been born as "Baby Girl Z", as Anne's last name at the time began with a Z.

With that new information, I did what I always do when I get new information: off to research on the internet. I was able to find Anne's father's obituary, and from the names listed there, I was able to find Anne's brother Chris on facebook.

Anne's brother Chris was friends with Bernie's sister and her three daughters, my aunt and cousins.

I couldn't understand anything that was going on. Bernie and Maddie and I weren't speaking. Somehow, my aunt and cousins KNOW my biological uncle.

Lynn practically fell out of her chair when I told her everything. You know it's bad when you go to your therapist and they are shocked by everything that's going on. With Lynn, I was usually able to talk everything through and keep it together, but when her jaw hit the floor, I became a little less sure of myself.

I was scared. I couldn't understand Bernie and Maddie's reaction to my letter. And I couldn't understand how my father's sister knows my biological family. I felt alone and scared and I didn't know who to talk to.

At this point, I only had Lynn and John. I had stopped talking to most of my other friends as well as my in-laws. They just couldn't understand. There was so much happening and I didn't want to go through it all over and over and over again with them and then not feel like I was being heard or supported. Life was miserable.

After a week or so, Bernie and Maddie and I talked again. They never reached out; I had to call them. They had cooled down, and had started going through the adoption paperwork. Honestly, our old home had flooded so many times, I was shocked they still had it. They had pictures of me at the hospital, and they would bring them to Thanksgiving. I didn't have the strength to ask them any more questions at that time; it just felt good to talk to my mom and dad again.

Since I moved away in 2011, my parents and I have talked on the phone almost every single day. John makes fun of me for talking to them so much, but he isn't a big phone conversationalist. Being an only child, and moving when I was little, my mom and dad are my people. They were my first friends, my support, my family. Not talking to them, and even worse, not trusting them was killing me.

Thanksgiving was approaching quickly. I was nervous to see them. Then my dad told me my aunt and cousins - the ones friends with my uncle Chris - would be at Thanksgiving also. Knowing this just added to my anxiety.

We drove to North Carolina to spend time with family for the holiday. My dad has two sisters, and his younger sister was hosting. She and I were fairly close when I was growing up, and I was happy to see her new home and be helping her in the kitchen. Things felt very normal, for the first time in a while. It felt good to be with my husband and my family. It was the first holiday I had shared with my parents in years. We cooked, we ate, we laughed.

I was careful about how much I drank. I was scared that I would get some liquid courage in my and start asking about how my family knew Chris and if they knew Anne. I felt like there was an elephant in the room, but I was able to still enjoy the time with my family. I never asked my cousins about Chris.

The last day of the trip, we drove to my mom's sister's home to have lunch and see her new place. Over the summer, I had told my mom's sister Brandy about the DNA and the cousin, before I had any real answers. She had thought it was an awesome idea, and had even encouraged me to not say anything to my mom until I had any real answers. She understood what and why I was doing this, and she supported me.

While we were at lunch, mom and Brandy had a very long, very quiet conversation in another room. I knew mom was telling Brandy all about the letter and what was going on. I was nervous that Brandy would tell my mom that I had gone to her first, which I knew would start a battle with Maddie.  When we all sat down to eat, everything was normal again. We enjoyed a wonderful lunch and then my mom and dad had to get in the car to start heading home. We shared an awkward goodbye, and they left. We never discussed the letter, the adoption, the paperwork, the pictures - nothing.

I confronted Brandy after they left. John said his goodbyes and then got in the car to wait for me so I could have a private second with her and my cousin David. I told her I knew she and Maddie were talking about me in their private conversation. She said she didn't give up that I had talked to her first, but she couldn't understand why Maddie was so mad at me. I gave her the short version of events and that I couldn't understand it either, but I had a lot of questions.

This is what I remember being said:
Me: "I just have a lot of questions, and while I'm finding some answers, I still have more. I have two half-sisters that look so much like me, and I love that. But apparently my aunt and cousins are friends with my biological family on Facebook."
Brandy: "They're still friends?"

10.

My world came crashing down with one word: still.

How did she know about this? How many people knew about this? Who was lying to me? Was I being lied to? What the hell was going on?

John is my hero. He is my best friend, my every day joy, the light in the darkness. To say I spent the next 6 hours ugly-crying is an understatement. I don't remember speaking to him. I just cried. What else could I do? And he just drove. He didn't ask me any questions. He didn't try to fix it. Every now and again he would stop so we could go to the bathroom, and before we got back in the car, he would just hold me. I felt like I was losing my grip on everything except him. I felt like I was 12 years old again and Bernie and Maddie were telling me I was adopted. I felt betrayed. I felt lost. I felt very, very alone. I felt old feelings creeping back into my veins, and I had no way of telling them to go away.

My survival skill in these times is just to get to the next moment. Every little breath is a victory. Putting one foot in front of the other is a victory. Once you have accumulated a lot of moments, a lot of victories, then you can start aiming higher. Get to the next day, the next week. We drove home Sunday, and thankfully I had an appointment with Lynn on Monday.

Lynn had assured me there had to be a rational reason as to why my aunt and cousins knew Chris. She was caught off-guard when I told her about the conversation with Brandy. We couldn't believe it. I tried to make the joke that I was some black-market baby that was traded for a Big Gulp in some back alley somewhere. We laughed, but I was really scared that could be true. Lynn comforted me. She gave me words to use when I was hurting and scared.

That night, after talking to Lynn, I emailed Bernie. I told him that I needed honesty from him as to why my aunt and cousins know Chris. I told him that I understand that maybe he was confused and scared too, but that I was hurting. I was hurt that I had to find out about all of this on the internet and on facebook. I told him that I didn't blame him (although at the time I was so angry at him, and I did blame him).

He emailed me back the next day. Here is a bit of what he said:

"We can discuss most anything that we know. We have not been dishonest but have kept with what was required by the court documents and legal procedures as instructed by the presiding judge. 

It took two years before the adoption ever went to court and every day for us and every phone ring put us on pins and needles thinking that something would happen and you would be taken away from us. It would have been devastating. We went through procedures trying to conceive, mom had shots, tests, and every missed period required another pregnancy test. She also had tubal surgery and nothing worked. We were also eliminated from adoption services due to our ages at the time after going through all the medical procedures which took over two years and a ton of heart aches. We decided that invitro [sic] was not affordable for us and we were just tired of doctors and procedures. So we were resolved to remain childless. 

Fortunately after another two years, a wonderful opportunity came along to adopt a beautiful little girl and we jumped at the chance of having an infant in our house. It became a home. But we had to abide by the court legal agreements which was total annonominity [sic] on both parts. The birth parents and family would not know us and we them. This was a request from the birth parents because of their respective ages and then signed off by the attorneys. The reason for the two year delay was so that the mother would attain legal age of 18 and no one could coerce her into making different decisions and her decision would be final and legally binding.  

They then relinquished all parental rights and the documents were then to be sealed. We did not meet with them or them with us. We we sequestered at the court house and arrived and departed at different times. They did not know us. No contact for all these years. We understood that the only birth certificate available would be the one from Pa. that we had been provided showing mom and me as parents and no other papers showing any other information was to be made available and the rest of the documents sealed at the court. 

Did we know the father and family? No 

Did we know the mother and family? No, not really.  Mother, no.  Family, very casually. Your uncle recommended an attorney for us and the attorney handled everything. There were no disclosures to either family or us. 

We never lied to you but only held back some information that we were not legally permitted to disclose, we knew the mother's family name and that is all. 

We did only what we thought was right and legally binding and always wanted to protect you. We love you dearly and there was never a question as to whether you were adopted, you are our daughter since you were three days old and you will always be our daughter in our eyes and hearts. "

So not only did they know the birth family, but I wasn't even completely legally adopted until I was 2.

11.

At this point, Bernie got honest with me, but I had to ask the questions first. He wasn't exactly a fountain of information, but at least he would answer my questions.

I waited a week to respond. The last email was a bitter pill to swallow, and after so much had already transpired, it wasn't easy. I didn't call them; I sent another email. That may have been the cowards way out, but I wanted it in writing. I wanted to see the words and hear them and be able to go look at them over and over and over again. And I was hurting. I didn't want to hear their voices. I missed my parents, but I was really angry. I was hurt. I felt betrayed. And I wasn't ready to just brush things under the rug like we always do.

When Bernie responded to my email the first thing he told me was that he and my mom were scared I would never talk to them again and they loved me very much.

Dad told me that because the legal proceedings were so serious and they had never encountered anything like this before, they took what the judge said to heart. They took an oath and the judge told them that no information was to ever be disclosed. Because my birth parents needed to wait two years until they were 18, my parents were scared every day for two years that I would be taken away if they broke any rules. All they wanted was to protect me.

Then he told me the story. My dad's older sister Joan and her husband Rob lived in New Jersey once upon a time. They were friends with a couple who also lived in Jersey. Bernie said "we did not know them intimately then or now but maybe met casually at a house party over a holiday...Over the years we had seen them a few times during other functions, [like your cousin's] wedding and Uncle Rob's funeral."

The story goes that Uncle Rob contacted Bernie and Maddie, knowing that Maddie was having so much difficulty conceiving. (Full disclaimer: I've always known that mom had trouble getting pregnant. They were pretty honest with that point my whole life, and when they told me I was adopted, my mom shared more. I know she struggled for 13 years to have a baby, so it wasn't hard for me to understand what a gift I was to her.) Uncle Rob knew "a teen that was 8 months pregnant, from a good family, and there was an opportunity to have a very private adoption which was designed to protect the identity of the teen parents and their families." Makes sense - in the 1980's, teen pregnancy wasn't as glamorized as it is now. So Uncle Rob made the match - he told my mom and dad about the situation, hooked them up with a lawyer in town 2, and Bernie and Maddie picked me up in the maternity ward. They never knew names, but Joan and Rob did. My cousins allegedly didn't even know what was going on, even though my one cousin went to school with Chris for a while.

At this point, I had been doing some digging on Anne's family, just trying to figure out names and see if I could find any information. I had Anne's parents names. Anne's mother has a very unusual name. And all of a sudden, it clicked. I knew her. I had met her. I had hugged her. I knew this woman, who was my biological grandmother. I emailed Bernie for confirmation on this point, and he confirmed it.

I read that email in the parking lot of CVS. John had taken me to pick up prescriptions. I ugly cried in the car at CVS in broad daylight.

Maybe for those of you who aren't adopted, this point is hard to understand. I've talked to many children of adoption over the years. Many of us have experienced - what I would call - trauma. From the people I have talked to, it's rarely intentional, but it happens. When you find out you're adopted, something can change. You have questions, but many adoptive families make it taboo to answer those questions. Maybe it's fear of rejection by the child, maybe it's fear that the child will leave to find their family, maybe it's something I can't even understand at this point. But children wonder where they came from. A friend of mine, at the age of 18, had a packed dropped in front of her at the dinner table with all of her biological family's information in it. She knew she was adopted her whole life - she had red hair and blue eyes, her first brother was black, her second brother had blonde hair and blue eyes, and her little sister had dark hair and dark eyes. As we grow, we always have to explain ourselves to people, like we are some kind of freaks. We are just like everyone else. We don't have extra appendages or some exciting back story. Many of us were born into situations where our biological parents couldn't handle things or didn't want to handle things. Maybe they were too young. Maybe there was substance or physical abuse. Maybe there was homelessness. Maybe they just didn't want us. But that point of not feeling wanted is so pervasive. It's a story I hear over and over when I talk to kids who are adopted. I don't understand why this point needs to be made, but hear me: kids want to be needed. Kids want to be wanted. Kids want to be a part of something. Adoption takes a little of that away from them. It's scary. Some kids handle it fine. Some don't. Lynn was one of the kids that handled it well; she never wanted nor needed to find out biological information on her family. At the same time, there was trauma in her life surrounding her adoption as well. I was one of the kids that didn't handle it well: depression and suicide attempts took over my life until I was able to come to terms with who I was.

So for me, finding out that the answers to who I was were sitting close to me for the past 30-some years was damaging. It hurt. It was another cup of salt in the wound. I tried to explain that to Bernie. I said, "Dad, I've met those people a bunch of times. Those people are my maternal grandparents. Did you know? Do they know who I am?" How I got that all typed out on a smart phone through all those tears still amazes me. My dad responded that he knew that they were my biological grandparents, but to his knowledge they didn't know. The story goes that they didn't even know Anne was pregnant until she was 8 months along. (Apparently, my family is not svelte. Thanks, mom.) But in looking at pictures of Hank and Anne...I look almost exactly like her. I have her eyes, and her face shape, and her smile. I got Hank's giant forehead and weird nose, but otherwise, I look like Anne. How could these people meet a young girl, about the same age as what their granddaughter should be and who looks so much like their own daughter not know?

I told Bernie I wasn't mad. That was a lie, but I needed to repair this relationship. I knew that the anger would fade as I was able to digest all this information. It's been 2 months since this all happened, and while I'm not still angry, I'm still hurting. It's hard for me to type these words onto this screen. I'm still fighting back tears. But I told him what I knew he needed to hear. I'm not mad. I told him that there isn't a handbook on how to go through an adoption, and I told him that I knew he did the best he could. And those things were and are both true. Bernie and Maddie did their best to give me every opportunity at the best possible life they could. And for that, I will be eternally grateful to them.

12.

So that's not where the story ends, but at least it starts getting easier.

I talked to Bernie and Maddie on the phone a few days after the final emails. Things were awkward, but they were better.

I've decided that I'm going to put off on contacting Hank and Anne for a while. While you only got to read 11 blog posts, this all happened over the course of 6 months. I was exhausted. I didn't need any more drama; I needed to get back with my family and rebuild some of the bridges I had inadvertently started setting on fire.

John and I also needed an emotional break. Just after Christmas, we took a vacation to the Caribbean. We relaxed, sat by the pool, ate food, and just spent time together being married and happy. We hadn't gotten to really do that since our honeymoon. I had forgotten how wonderful it felt to be happy. We enjoyed that time so much, and we were pretty depressed when we came home and it was -2.

While all this has been going on, I've been in contact with Hank's mom and one of his half brothers. They have been kind, and wonderful, and I am so happy to be getting to know them.

Right before Christmas, Hank's half-brother asked me for my address, so that he could add me to his Christmas card list. I obliged. I promptly even forgot he asked due to work being so chaotic and the holidays and just general life.

At the end of January, right before I started making this blog, I got an email from him that he was sending me a small package.

The day I had received it had been a really good day. I had spent time at the aquarium with my friend and had a blast. My day at work had been great, and then I just got to relax, have fun, and eat nachos with a friend that I truly enjoy. When I got home, the package was waiting for me.

Inside the package was a hand-written letter from my uncle, some pages behind it, and a scarf. You see, my dad's family can trace part of their lineage all the way back to a Scottish king in the 12th century. I don't know much about Scottish culture, but I guess each family has a plaid tartan that is unique to that family. The scarf is in our family's plaid. He said, "I thought it'd make a nice 'welcome to the family' present. Also, because to most it just looks like a pretty plaid, you could choose to wear it as your little secret or not...I hope that when you wear it, it keeps you warm but also that it'll put a smile on your face as you remember that there's a pile of people who think of you and wish you well - whether we ever get the chance to meet in person or not."

Then he tells me that he has included pictures - lots of pictures - to help me put together some names and faces from this part of my family. He also added screenshots of his mom's Ancestry family tree. "You're officially on the family tree now and if you let me know your birthdate and last name you grew up with, I'll put them in so it can be a proper record. It'll also shift you in front of your half-sisters to where you should be."

The pictures are awesome. He and his mom put a lot of time in and labeled every picture with names and tried to tell me who each kid and person comes from so I can figure it all out. He even made a family tree by hand so I knew how and who each person came from. He really spent a lot of time and effort on this!!

He included one page of pictures of Hank, his wife, and his two daughters. He told me he has never met my half-sisters, and has only met Hank a couple of times. On the back of the page of pictures, he wrote, "My guess is that Hank won't ever want contact. He's probably racked with piles of guilt over the daughter he didn't take care of. Especially since he seems to be close to the other two. He also probably never told his wife about it...This is all guesswork but they're educated guesses. The family is working on ways to bring up the subject but my guess is that [your half sisters] will be the ones to approach. They're almost out of college and most people do a lot of growing up in their mid 20's and should be receptive to it all. Again, it's just guesswork but we're working on it and putting out feelers. Do whatever you feel is right but feel free to use us to help."

Ok, if you haven't guessed it, I was in a pile of mush and tears again. John was panicking because he couldn't understand why I was crying again. For the first time in this whole saga, these were happy tears. I finally had what I had been searching for for the past 20+ years: I was wanted. Maybe not by Hank and Anne, and maybe I'll never find out their true feelings. But my grandparents and my uncles and aunts - they want to know me. They want to find out on what they have missed out on. Because my aunts and uncles didn't even know I existed until I reached out on Ancestry.

I couldn't figure out how I felt about the note about Hank. It made me sad, but it made me happy as well. I feel like he should know that I'm talking to his family, and I think Anne deserves to know that her friends know me. But I don't have the strength to fix that at this point. I don't want them to feel guilty though.

I wrote a letter back to my uncle. I thanked him profusely for my gifts. They were wonderful and they brought so much joy to me. But I told him that I don't want Hank to feel guilty. I don't think that Hank's family even knows the depth of the situation with Anne's family and my family. I don't think he knows I was given to friends who have given me such a wonderful life. And it's only because he and Anne had the strength to even have me. I don't know all that much about being a pregnant teen in the 1980's, but I do know that they could have found a way to terminate the pregnancy. I do know that they could have tried and I would be not who I am today. But instead, I was given a home and a life that so many kids could only dream of. I was loved, I am loved, and I will be loved for a very long time. I went to good schools. I have two college degrees. I married the man of my dreams. I have traveled around the world. I have privileges that I never even asked for and don't know what to do with. And if Hank and Anne had kept me, maybe I wouldn't have any of that.

I also sent him a book I made of pictures of me. There are pictures of me and John, me and Bernie and Maddie, John and I on our wedding day, my in-laws, my friends, and my family. I told him it is more for his mom than for him, but I at least wanted them to have some nice pictures to show off of their new addition.

I'm sure that Hank and Anne don't think of me with fond memories. I'm the best-kept secret New Jersey has ever had. I know that when Hank's family talks to him, there will be some pain on his part. I mean, what teen wants to go through what they did? And they both got to put it behind them, go to college, start real families, and move on with their lives. I don't want them to have to step back. I want all three of us to go forward. But I don't want there to be any more secrets. If I have learned anything, it's that secrets just tear things apart. Secrets destroy relationships and families.

After musing over all of this for a while, I reached out to Amy last week. Her email has been deleted, but I know who she is on facebook. I reached out to the Amy profile on facebook, and I reached out to Amy's real profile as well. Hank isn't close with his mom, my grandmother whom I have been in contact with. But he is close with his dad and Amy. I thought that maybe it would soften the blow a bit for him if he heard it from Amy and his dad rather than his mom. I don't think she has seen it, and I haven't heard back from them.

For now, that's the end of my story. I know this isn't where the story ends, and as more happens, I'll be back to update this. I needed to write it down and remember it. I want it to help people. Maybe it's an adoptee who feels alone and lost. Maybe it's an adoptive family who doesn't know what to do. Maybe it's birthparents feeling regret over the choice they made. Maybe it's someone who adoption has never touched and is curious about the experience.

This is just my story. And it's very one-sided. It hasn't been pretty, and it hasn't been easy. Maybe you disagree with me and my choices. Maybe you think I'm stupid for putting so much emphasis on this. We all walk our own paths, and this one is mine. And I'm grateful for every step I have taken.