1.

This is what I knew. I knew I was born in Pennsylvania, and the only daughter of Bernie and Maddie. I knew that I had lived in Pennsylvania until I was seven years old, and then we moved to Illinois. I knew that I had 11 cousins, many who felt like my brothers and sisters because we spent so much time together. I knew that I went to three different elementary schools, because we had moved and then I had been accepted into a gifted program for fifth and sixth grade. I knew that I wanted to be a marine biologist, and I worked hard in middle and high school to excel in science. (Note the nod to science in the title...yes, I am a total nerd.)

When I was 12, things I "knew" started to change. I wasn't totally and completely the daughter of Bernie and Maddie; I was adopted. I went from being the only daughter to adopted. I knew what that word meant, but I didn't know how it felt. It didn't feel good. It felt like lies. It felt like betrayal.

Let's just throw all this on top of the adoption revelation: puberty, middle school, high school, low self-esteem, and some reasons to bully me. We can add some major depression, and we end up with 6 years of not so healthy mental status.

By college, I was finally in a decent place. My family and I even joked about it. "You got wrinkles where?!?!? Good thing I'm adopted!" I understood that just because Maddie and Bernie hadn't given birth to me, they had raised me. They had loved me. They gave me anything and everything I could imagine. They were, are, and will be my family until forever.

Of course I still had questions. I think most adopted kids do. And I had these far-flung ideas of who I was. Bernie's family is really into their heritage. My dad is 2nd generation American, as his grandparents all hailed from southern and eastern Europe at the turn of the century. His family still makes trips to their home country, and my grandmother spoke her mother's language fluently. Growing up, she taught me a lot about their culture and heritage, and I was fascinated by it. But when I found out that these people weren't my blood, my feelings around that changed. I felt like an outsider, I felt different. I didn't feel like that background belonged to me anymore.

So where did I come from? Whose genes were in my blood? Why do I have this god-awful nose structure?