20.

(Yes...I know I missed 19. That story will have to wait. It holds some information that needs to come from other people first.)

Tomorrow morning, I am flying to Hank's city and I am going to meet him, Maura, B, and Rebecca.

Even typing that sentence makes my heart start pounding.

I talk to Hank every day. I talk to Maura, B, and Rebecca most days. We send snaps, we email, we follow each other on instagram. But tomorrow, they become real.

I'm terrified.

John says I shouldn't be terrified. He says that I talk to them every day, we video chat, we text constantly so there is nothing to be scared of.

I'm scared because I have never known someone who is my blood. I've never known someone who looks like me, talks like me. I know I'm going to cry, and I'm scared to be emotional in front of people who still are kind of complete strangers. Even though they aren't, and I care about them immensely...I don't know them.

To be fair - many of them read this blog. And I think they should know that I'm scared. It is still an unknown for me, and that unknown is scary. I don't do well with unknowns. I do well with plans. New things scare me. I was scared when John and I went to Europe the first time. I was scared to start working at a new place. I was scared to move to a new place. I am even scared when I move to a new place! I don't like change. This year, I have done a LOT of exploring. I've tried so many new things. But that doesn't mean I'm not scared.

We have to take two planes to get to Hank. Then we are renting a car, stopping at our lodging, and going to Hank's house. Like his actual home. Where he lives.

My godmother called me tonight. She was crying. She told me that she supports me and wants me to be happy, but she is scared I will get hurt. She said my parents are upset too, which I didn't know. Everything has been fine. I haven't told anyone in my family - outside of Bernie and Maddie - that I am even going on this trip. Honestly, it isn't anyone else's business. They helped to keep a big secret from me for my entire life, and I'm still a bit salty about that.

So I guess I'm scared too because I don't know what my family is going to look like after this. Bernie and Maddie have booked a trip to come see the new house, and we are going to spend a couple days traveling together to visit family. But that could all blow up so badly between now and then. John's parents have planned to come visit us over Labor Day weekend. His mom has been texting and calling him regularly because she is so worried about me. How can I not be scared when so many people I love are scared and upset by this?

I want to know Hank. I want to know my half sisters. (Side note: we've talked and we are good just being friends for now. The half sister thing is a little much for them, and I totally respect that. I'm happy just to know them!!) I want to know my grandparents and my uncles and aunts and cousins. I've been denied that, and they have been denied that. Hank's family wanted to know me, and they were denied that. They have all missed out on so many years, and there have been so many secrets and lies.

But I'm scared. I don't know what tomorrow will bring. I'm sad that we are only going for 3 days, but I'm also happy. It could be wonderful, which means the fun will end too soon. It could be the worst trip ever, which means we will be begging to come home. It most likely will be somewhere in the middle around awkward and clumsy, but not knowing is really hard.

In 11 hours, I will be boarding a plane. Tomorrow will change everything.