8.

Lynn suggested that I write them a letter. My parents live very far from me, but I was going to be able to see them for Thanksgiving, and that was coming quickly. So for two weeks, I worked on drafting  a letter to Bernie and Maddie. I did my best to write out how much I loved them. I wanted them to know that I wasn't trying to replace them in any way, but that I just wanted answers to who I was and why my body works the way it does. I sent it at the beginning of November, and I told them I would contact them on a certain day after work to talk, to give them time to digest everything.

In the letter, I told them that I wanted my medical information. I related how frustrating it is to not have a medical history. I told them that I had asked PAIR for the non-identifying information, but had received nothing. I also told them I had applied for a copy of my original birth certificate. (For those confused on this point, as an adopted child in a closed adoption, my official birth certificate has Bernie and Maddie listed as my parents.) I told them about the movie and how it changed how I wanted to go about things, and that I had done the DNA test. I told them I had found a "cousin" and that I needed more information from them, my parents, before I moved forward. I told them I loved them and didn't want to add to my family, I just wanted to know more about me.

Before I sent the letter, I let John read it. He said it was perfect, and he wouldn't change a thing. He even asked some questions about things I didn't realize I hadn't told him. I also showed it to Lynn. She said it said perfectly what I wanted it to say. I felt really good about sending that letter.

When I called, things were different. I only spoke to Bernie, and he wouldn't let me speak to Maddie. We had a very forced and awkward conversation. The letter  never came up. I was waiting for him to bring it up, so that he could have some control and tell me about how they were thinking and feeling. I had expected the awkwardness, but they had been so wonderful in 2011 when this all popped up, and I knew things were going to be fine.

I texted Bernie a while after I got off the phone with him. I asked him if he had received the letter. He said yes...and then nothing.

I called them back two days later on my way home from work. This phone call was different. Bernie wasn't angry, but he wasn't happy either. Why couldn't I just go see more doctors about my health issues? Why can't I just trust what the doctors are telling me? (Full disclaimer: I've spent the last 23 years dealing with a specific health issue. I have seen at least a dozen doctors who all tell me something different. This health issue has resulted in me being unable to have children.) While he was going through this tantrum about doctors and why do I even want to go down this road and do I even trust the information I'm getting, all I could feel was my heart breaking. I couldn't understand his response.

Then Maddie got on the phone. She was angry. At this time, I don't remember all that was said, but I remember her saying, "if you want to go and have another family..." and I hung up on her. I scream-cried. I went out onto the porch and scream-cried for what seemed like hours. I went into an old reflex of pouring myself a glass of wine to try and drown whatever problems there were, and I kept scream-crying. When John got me to come back inside, I went into the guest room and cried and cried and cried.

It felt like my parents didn't even read my letter. I couldn't understand their reaction at all. John was furious; he told me later that he almost called them himself.

Things were only going to get stranger in the next few days.