3.

At this point, I wasn't in a very good spot. I felt like I was cheating on my parents with these people. I didn't know them. I didn't know if they were real. I didn't know if they were being honest. I couldn't find any information with the name Amy Brown, and I couldn't find any pictures. I emailed this Sue person, whom I did not trust at all, but I felt stuck.

I let Amy know what I was feeling. For some reason, I felt like she could be being honest. It had been over 20 years and finally someone was looking for me. I felt needed, and that part of it felt good. The rest of it didn't. I told her that I was waiting to talk to my parents until I had some solid information and had an idea of how to talk to them without hurting them. I also told her I had questions and wanted to figure this out. I told her there are some similarities in what she shared, but that I was hurt that her son didn't want his family to know. That part hurt the most. She responded.

"Your response is fine.  In this case I don't know what kind of response is appropriate.  We are anxious and frightened also in this case.  First of all I want to say this about our son, he told us well over ten years ago that he would disown us if we tried to locate you.  We haven't discussed this issue with him since.  We can maintain a low profile right now and certainly we understand your feelings about your parents and we have to say we are delighted that they took such good care of you, that was our fear over the years.  We wanted to adopt you when we found out about your pending birth, but it caused such an up roar [sic] with our son and his girlfriend that we backed off.  But you can be rest assured we wanted you in the worst way and you have been a very important part of our lives over the years. You were born on my father's birthday so how could I forget.  
 
Sue is a cousin of my husband and we found her when we were doing some genealogicalresearch [sic].  We have been researching family records for some years and found that she was related.  She did extensive research to locate her biological family as she was adopted.  Therefore we feel she is the best person to help.  We have complete trust in her and her advice.  We don't want to rush anything and we don't want to give you any undo [sic] grief etc.  Our primary concern is your happiness and welfare.  So you can set the pace in this or you can say you don't want to go any further and we will be fine with that.  We are just happy to know you are well and happy.
 
I forgot to mention that there is a milk sensitivity running in our family.  My husband's parents had goats for him and his brothers and our youngest daughter had to use a soy bean formula.  But for some reason our son never had the milk sensitivity.  He did have lots of allergies and went to an doctor to be treated for his allergies for several years.  His asthma has always been an ongoing problem for him.  Cats and dogs bother him really bad.  
 
I will be happy to answer any questions you may have and I have to say please disregard any spelling errors in this email.    We are working hard to find the birth mother.  We didn't have any contact with her followng [sic] your birth.  She was not happy with us.  We didn't know her well at all.  
 
We are not trying to cause any problems between you and your parents.  They are your parents and we are so happy you feel the way you do about them.  It is normal to want to know about your birth parents and we will help as much as we can.  We have all the time in the world.  We really just want you to know that we have spent 15 years looking for you and want you to know there is a whole family that loves you and has not forgotten you.  No matter what you will be a part of our family not matter what happens.  Every June, we especially remember you.  
  My time is yours, Amy"

That first paragraph was a dagger. I don't remember how many times I read and re-read that paragraph. He will disown his own parents if they try to find me. That is how painful I am to him. I didn't do anything to him; it's partly his fault I even exist! There were more similarities in the email, but they almost didn't matter as much as that first paragraph. I had felt lied to and betrayed when I was 12 and found out about my adoption, and I felt betrayed again by a man I didn't even know. I felt lost and hurt and scared and the sadness was overwhelming. Even now, 7 years later, I still feel that pain and hopelessness. It's like a smoldering fire that threatens to reignite. What I wouldn't give to never feel that pain again.

I reached out to this Sue person to ask the big question: are these people who they say they are?I didn't like her, I didn't trust her, and I was very cautious in everything I told her. I had a lot of anger starting to build up from all of this, and I was starting to become resentful of these people.

Her response changed my world forever.

"Good question!  I could explain it but I thought it better coming from your grandparents so you could see some of the journey.  I want this whole situation to be as open as possible for both sides.

I am forwarding this letter from your grandfather.  I understand the sensitivity of this whole situation and think both sides can be facilitated without endangering and hurting a lot of people that you both love so much.

In this day and age I would suggest a DNA test.  They are cheap, and easy to do, with accurate results if you need absolute proof.  When I was searching for my biological parents I had to get an original copy of my birth certificate from the hall of records. They black out all the pertinent information, of course.  I only had one hour before the ink dried to get it to the crime lab so they could lift the ink.  This way I was able to obtain my biological last name and biological mothers maiden name.  Thank god it was an unusual name!  So things have come a long way.  You also have the willing people that want to be found.

Finding biological parents and all the happy stuff you see on T.V. is not always the case.

Sometimes there is a lot of pain and then there are a lot of rewards as anything in life.

Your biological Mother has maintained her maiden name as part of her married name.  She has two sons. 

You are in a very unique situation.  Your Grandparents want to be your friends which equals no pain and both of your situations can be respected.  Take things slow and in your comfort level.   I don’t see this situation as destroying your life but adding to your own person.

Take care,

Sue

Sue,

Forward this letter after you make your comments or edit it. I guess you are right we will cool our jets for awhile and will not let our son know.  We can't afford any heart ache that may occur.  If she responds please keep me in the loop.  I have mentioned real names so she knows we are real.  And I am a hundred percent certain she is the girl we are seeking.  Please delete our email address before sending this.  Thanks 

Dear [name redacted]

I am a hundred percent sure that I am your grandfather of your biological father.  Birth records from town 1 indicate that there were five babies on the same day that were adopted out through town 2, Pa.  So we know you are one of those five. We boiled this down to several because two were black and their living addresses were in town 1 and town 2.  The other one had a Spanish surname and I believe went to Baltimore. There were two left one of which a living residence was Warren, Pa and one which was hometown.  I remember from meeting your parents in the Lawyers office that they said they lived I believe in hometown.  So the facts are very clear to me that you are the one out of the five.

We will investigate the adoption of the girl that lived in Warren, Pa.  But any of the records that we can find do not indicated that your family living in Warren, Pa.  So that leaves you.  This all has come upon us as fast as you have experienced it.  We have been advertising on adoption websites for 20 years and probably weren't experienced to know what to do.  My cousin Sue, in California, has genuine experience in this type of matter.  And I really depend on her to help both you and I.  Primarily at this point I am satisfied that you were well taken care of, educated and are well situated in life.  I never wanted to have any impact on your relationship with your adopted parents.  I would really like to know you personally no matter what my son or your biological  mother feel.  I as a grandfather have prayed for you and love you every day of your life.  I want to clear some things up with you.  My son's biological mother is presently not the woman to whom I am married.  Amy Brown is the pseudonym we use in responding to and researching adopted children so that no one could get emotionally hurt.  I am a man of 71 years been married to my present wife for 41 years.  I got sole custody of Hank and my present wife and I raised him along with three other children.  It's important to me that you understand us.  I am not unfamiliar with the many issues in adoption since I adopted my present wife's two children.  One of them after 40 years demanded to be put in touch with her biological father which we helped to facilitate.  This has been emotionally trying for us and I know for you but we are all going to live through it. 

The only way I know for you to be sure is to confirm some facts that we know from your parents or to complete a DNA test which would have to be done between you, me and Hank's biological mother.  I would like really to confirm your feelings without my son being aware of it so that he is not upset before its necessary. He has threatened me to keep me from his two daughters and I believe he might do that and I love them as I love you.  I believe he is afraid of what this wife, daughters and in-laws would think.  I don't believe his wife's family know anything about you.  My cousin Sue, believes that I would be making an unacceptable risk to come out and tell him and would be best if this is your desire and you seek him out rather than me being involved after seeking out your biological mother and Sue has that information on how to contact her. 

Hank lives on the east coast Anne your biological mother lives in the town 1 area and are both easily found as Sue has all this information.  The choices and decisions to be made are yours and you can contact Sue for all of this information.  I would really love to tell you who I am but Sue feels that is not a good idea either.  I am available and the choices is yours.  Just knowing you are ok really helps me.  My wife is my sole mate and feels the same way.  She raised Hank from the age of two.  We live in Virginia.  Attached is a picture of Hank and Anne at his Senior prom taken in May 198x.  You were born in June 198x.

  Your Grandfather"

(I have changed some identifying information in this email. Both birth parent's names and all of the towns have been changed. I'm sorry if that makes it difficult to read, but I am trying to protect people. I never changed Amy's name, since it isn't her name anyway. Sue had taken all of the real names out, so I didn't have them at all. I couldn't do anymore research.)

After reading this email, I finally had enough. I needed my family, and I needed to know if any of this was true. I needed to know answers. I printed out all of the emails, changed nothing, included all my responses. I told my husband I was ready to confront my parents, but that I needed him with me. We went to dinner, and after dinner was over, I showed them everything. They read everything while I cried. They understood why I was asking the questions. They weren't mad. They hugged me and told me everything would be ok. But the most important thing they told me was that these people were lying to me. They told me I was right to trust my gut, but that I needed to cut ties with these people now. And I did. I never responded.

Amy reached out to me once more, in July of that year.

"Hope this doesn't upset you or anything, but wanted you to know that we talked to our son this past weekend about you.  He said he had no problem if you wanted to contact him nor did his wife.  He also said they were going to talk to their daughters about you.  Don't know if this helps in your decision making process but wanted you to know.  When I mentioned to him what he said about us not having contact with his girls years ago he said he had forgotten he made that statement and didn't mean it now.  So the field is open should you choose to make a move or not.  Sincerely Amy"

My response was that I had talked to my parents, and there were too many glaring inconsistencies. I told her to stop contacting me. I have never talked to her again.

From 2011, that was the last contact I had with people claiming to be my biological family. The questions remained, and so did the pain. To this day, I never got over this Hank person saying he wanted no contact with his daughter and he would disown people if they tried to find me. Even if he wasn't real, the sentiment could be. It stopped me from ever wanting to know these people. It didn't stop the questions of medical history and heritage, but I didn't want to know these people or their names or their faces.

But the story doesn't end there.