15

Life has been a little quieter lately. Hank and I still talk almost daily, or I talk to his wife Maura. I haven't talked to B or Rebecca much lately, but they are both busy with school and life. (Side note: I miss my 20s!!)

The cousin I found on Anne's side and I talked a bit, and finally last Tuesday I let her know I would be ok for her to tell Anne that she had "found" me. I felt that Anne deserved to know. This cousin - Michelle - is a doctoral candidate studying molecular biology, and she is very interested in genetics and the like. She is kind and has talked to a couple relatives about me. All of the relatives that she has spoken to have been very receptive to knowing me, but not many of them previously knew of my existence.

Needless to say, my anxiety has been through the roof lately. I've been obsessively checking my email and becoming more and more hopeless about this situation as time has passed. In 2011, I was told by Chip and Amy that Anne wanted nothing to do with me, but I thought they were (for lack of a better term) fake news. Then it turns out that Hank and Anne are my parents, but Chip and Amy told me they wanted nothing to do with me in 2011, so why would that have changed? Plot twist again when Hank wants to know me, as does his wife and daughters. Unfortunately, I believe my luck has run out. It's been a week. Anne isn't returning Michelle's calls, although I'm not sure what has been shared between them. I emailed Michelle on Saturday, after sending the message on Tuesday and not hearing anything from her. She said she had been busy, and that she was going to try and catch up with Anne this weekend. I'm trying not to look desperate or crazy, so I have let it go at that, but it has been radio silence.

I'm sad. I'm enjoying getting to know Hank and his family. Hank is a really good guy, and we laugh and joke all the time. His wife is a dream; I'm so lucky that she has been so accepting of me. I'm even going to meet them this summer - John and I made plans to go, and we are hoping that B and Rebecca can make it back as well. The conversations we have are special to me, and John has been very tolerant of my persistent conversations. I had gotten my hopes up that maybe Anne felt differently as well. But as time passes, that optimism is fading. Thankfully, I have some cousins and aunts on that side who want to get to know me and are doing DNA tests so they can see how related we are - everyone is really excited about that.

In other news, because of the looming trip to "meet the parents", I need to tell Bernie and Maddie the extent of what has been going on. I made plans to surprise visit Maddie for Mother's Day, and I want to have the conversation face-to-face. I'm hoping that maybe when they see how hard this is for me, they will understand that I don't take this lightly. I don't need or want another dad; Hank is more of a friend than a dad. (Although he did give me a stern talking to about using my phone hands-free the other day...) I don't need or want another Mom. Bernie and Maddie have been fantastic parents. They have given me things I would have only been able to dream of if Hank's family had kept me. I've lived a very privileged and fantastic life, and I am so grateful to them for all of it. I don't want a new family when the one I have is perfect in the first place. Yes, they can be crazy and annoying and mean and loud and crazy (did I mention crazy?), but I love them - my parents and my cousins and my aunts and uncles and grandparents have been the only family I've ever known. They are my life and I would walk through fire for them (most of the time). But I want to know my WHOLE story, and that involves Hank, Anne, Chip & Amy, Hank's mom and half-siblings, Maura, B, Rebecca, and so many more people. I now know that I can thank Hank for my allergies and asthma, but I get my height and my face from Anne. I have Irish, Scottish, Ukranian, Polish, and Italian ancestry in my veins. There is a reason that I am the way I am, and I'm loving finding out all of it. I finally feel like I fit somewhere.

But I know that for Bernie and Maddie, they will always be scared of losing me. I was a precious gift, and they don't want to lose me. I get that. I just want to look them in the eye and reassure them that THEY are my parents. That THEY are who I want to call first (as soon as I talk to John). That THEY are the ones that I still run to when I'm sad or scared or so happy I could die. They are my first and best friends and I love them with all my heart. True life, I will probably just have to read them this blog, as I will be so anxious I will forget all my words. But I do love them, appreciate them, and treasure them. They are the best thing that ever could have happened to me. Without them, I wouldn't have the beautiful life I have today.