19.

There is a LOT that has happened. I'm going to have to split it into two posts.

First of all, if there is anything you learn from this blog, is that there shouldn't be any secrets in families. They are hurtful. Yeah, telling the truth can be hard, especially when you don't want to hurt the people you love. But if you have hurt them, tell them so the healing can begin.

A littler reminder: Back in post 6, I introduced Timothy's mom. Her name is Karen. Karen and Chip are Hank's biological parents. Timothy and Hank are half brothers; Karen is their mom, but they have different dads. Onto the tale...

A while back, Hank called me with a story that he had to tell me. John and I had just bought our new home and my best friend and her son had come over to see the place and celebrate with us.

He told me that there was a distinct possibility that Chip wasn't his dad. When Hank was super little, he said that Karen wasn't totally faithful to Chip. Hank was pretty upset about this; in fact, he never refers to Karen as "mom" - that title goes to Amy. He hasn't even spoken to Karen in several years.

I just see this as another piece of information, and I tuck it away. I have thought about it on and off, but it just was a little echo in the background. Then one day it dawns on me that I am going to solve this mystery for Hank. I have the DNA test; we should have answers.

Since I am planning on visiting Hank and family soon, I was in contact with many of the family fairly regularly. One day, Amy and I were discussing the trip, and I realized I had an opportunity to ask her some questions. Chip has done genealogical research and DNA testing, so I asked her what research he had done. He did the same ancestry test that I did - only I was 100% sure that he wasn't one of my DNA matches.

I began scouring my family trees, my DNA matches, their family trees - there was so much information! I started moving through the list, labeling the people I knew. "Hank's family - Karen's side", "Anne's family", and I was reserving the label "Hank's family - Chip's side" when I figured it out. What was I missing?

After a while, a pattern emerged. There was a link of people with the same ethnic background that didn't seem to be related to Hank or Anne. I started connecting dots wherever I could find them, and I finally found a relative about 6 generations back that everyone shared. This ancestor had more than a half dozen children. I started linking those children to different DNA matches, and I was left with 3 holes. I started researching as far as I could towards the present day, but I kept hitting dead ends.

The last name was pretty unusual, so I started googling as much as I could. I finally found a list of family members and I started cross-referencing that list with who I already had figured out. I decided I would just research all of the names that I didn't have information on already. As I was compiling a list, I noticed a man named Bobby who had died early - he was only 29. A little searching told me that he died after complications from a simple medical procedure. A little more searching, and I found a family tree for him - that was originally created by Karen.

Chip isn't Hank's dad - Bobby is.

I texted Maura about what she thought I should do. Hank is fairly shaken up by all of this, so she thought it was a secret I best kept to myself. But, if I was going to tell him, I should do it face to face. I decided that it was his choice to know, and if he didn't want to know right now, that is his choice. I would keep it to myself.

Hank video calls me that night. I am talking to him, Maura, and Rebecca. It is our first video call ever. It was less awkward than I had thought it would be: in fact we had a lot of fun! When Maura and Rebecca moved to another room, Hank asked me who he was related to. Did Maura tell him??

Turns out that Maura's tablet (which is connected to her phone) was going off while she was at work and Hank read all of our messages. His choice was that he wanted to know. I made him confess to Maura (NO SECRETS!), and she and Rebecca braced with Hank as I went through the story.

As I got to Bobby's name, I said, "So it turns out that I think your father may be this Robert Smith guy." Just as I made that statement, Maura and Hank turned to each other and said "It was Bobby."

Later on, I found a picture of Bobby. Hank and I both look a lot like him. Hank doesn't like his ears, but we are both stuck with them!

When I found Karen's family tree, I contacted her with the question of who is Bobby? Her response was that she didn't want to talk about it over messenger, would I call her?

We finally talked on the phone, and she was heartbroken. Bobby was her first love - starting in middle school. They dated, but lost touch when he went to college. After Karen and Chip got married, she was very unhappy. She and Bobby had a brief affair, of which Hank was the product. Karen felt (and still feels) immense guilt. She cared for Chip a lot, and she even said that Chip is a fantastic dad. Chip has raised Hank his entire life - Karen chose to walk away because of the immense guilt she feels. (Disclaimer: I'm sure there are many more feelings and much more to that story, but that is what I heard from her.) Bobby died early, and Karen knew Hank was his son; they look too much alike. She told Maura the secret several years ago because Chip had said he wanted Hank to take a DNA test. Not that anyone thinks Chip suspects anything, but Chip is really excited about genealogical research. She didn't want Chip to find out like that, and she didn't want Hank to find out like that.

She also wanted me to know the story because I leave tomorrow to go meet all of them.

1.

This is what I knew. I knew I was born in Pennsylvania, and the only daughter of Bernie and Maddie. I knew that I had lived in Pennsylvania until I was seven years old, and then we moved to Illinois. I knew that I had 11 cousins, many who felt like my brothers and sisters because we spent so much time together. I knew that I went to three different elementary schools, because we had moved and then I had been accepted into a gifted program for fifth and sixth grade. I knew that I wanted to be a marine biologist, and I worked hard in middle and high school to excel in science. (Note the nod to science in the title...yes, I am a total nerd.)

When I was 12, things I "knew" started to change. I wasn't totally and completely the daughter of Bernie and Maddie; I was adopted. I went from being the only daughter to adopted. I knew what that word meant, but I didn't know how it felt. It didn't feel good. It felt like lies. It felt like betrayal.

Let's just throw all this on top of the adoption revelation: puberty, middle school, high school, low self-esteem, and some reasons to bully me. We can add some major depression, and we end up with 6 years of not so healthy mental status.

By college, I was finally in a decent place. My family and I even joked about it. "You got wrinkles where?!?!? Good thing I'm adopted!" I understood that just because Maddie and Bernie hadn't given birth to me, they had raised me. They had loved me. They gave me anything and everything I could imagine. They were, are, and will be my family until forever.

Of course I still had questions. I think most adopted kids do. And I had these far-flung ideas of who I was. Bernie's family is really into their heritage. My dad is 2nd generation American, as his grandparents all hailed from southern and eastern Europe at the turn of the century. His family still makes trips to their home country, and my grandmother spoke her mother's language fluently. Growing up, she taught me a lot about their culture and heritage, and I was fascinated by it. But when I found out that these people weren't my blood, my feelings around that changed. I felt like an outsider, I felt different. I didn't feel like that background belonged to me anymore.

So where did I come from? Whose genes were in my blood? Why do I have this god-awful nose structure?

2.

Those questions I had always just kind of floated around in my mind. Nothing too crazy that I had to investigate immediately, but they were there.

In 2007, I was having a crisis of self. I didn't know who I was or if I was worth it or if I was going to be anything. (Later, I found out that most recent college graduates go through some feelings like this.) During a low point, I wanted to know if there was anyone looking for me. I signed up for some adoption registry websites with the vague information I had (born in Pennsylvania, birth parents were teens) and tried to see if anyone was searching for someone like me. Cue Facebook and a old wonderful friend I had lost touch with, and after a week, I had completely forgotten about those adoption registry sites.

I got married (the first time) in 2010. Looking back now, I was just a kid. My husband and I decided pretty quickly that we wanted to try for kids. I felt like I should look into my genetics and know if there were any surprises in there. At just that time, I got the email. (Some information redacted to protect privacy.)

"We are grandparents trying to locate a girl born June 198x in town 1, Pa and adopted in town 2, Pa.  The parents Anne was 15 or 16 and the father, our son was 16.  Please contact us if you think you may be this person."

They had my exact birth date and knew where I was born. Had I put that information down? Were these really my grandparents? You see, Maddie and Bernie had always told me that they didn't have any information about my birth family. They knew my parents were teenagers, roughly 15 or 16 years old, so it always just made sense to me that I was adopted. But they didn't have any other information about my birth family.

That lack of information was difficult, because for a very long time, I felt like a mistake. When I was sitting in my bedroom at night, tears streaming down my face, blade at my wrists, that idea was what pushed me to make the cut through the skin. It was what pushed me to feel as though I was nothing, not worth love or happiness or success. But as I learned more about myself, I learned that I wasn't a mistake, but as Bob Ross would say, "a happy little accident." I had given Bernie and Maddie so much happiness. I had lived a really amazing life and I was going on to do wonderful things.

Looking at that email, I suddenly had power to answer the questions I had been holding onto for so long. But this is the internet, and people are shifty. Is this really them? I responded that yes, that was my birth date and possibly my place of birth, but that I had very little information and would not be able to do a good confirmation for them. Her response is below.

(Note: I'm going to copy in Amy's emails to me, with some details redacted. To me, the emails are an important part of the story.)

"Both parents of the girl that is being searched for were 15.  If you are who we think you are, then you need to touch base with your parents.  If that is possible.  There are constraints on us but we want all involved to be happy.  The adoption was a private adoption and the birth father's grandfather met with the folks that adopted the girl at a lawyer's office in Pa.  What have your parents told you?  You need to know if you are the one, that there are people who have prayed and really care for you. We feel certain that you are the one. If you are the one you need to know that we are possibly your biological grandparents.  We have your picture of your marriage in June on our refridgerator [sic] with the rest of our grandchildren and you look so much like one of our grandaughters [sic].  Our son, your possible biological father has two daughers [sic] 15 and 14 and he is so afraid of them knowing.  In the past he threatened to keep us from his daughters if we try to find you.  But we could not longer sit back.  You look so much like our son and grandaughter [sic].  
 
We have someone in California who is going to contact you with more information and she is very knowledgeable about adoptions and she was adopted and searched for her birth parents. whom we can talk to as well.  I believe your number is [redacted].  If that isn't correct please let me know. Please keep in contact.  At some point if this all pans out the way we hope, we will sit down and talk with our son.  By the way if you are our grandaughter [sic], you need to know that you came from a very nice family.  All college educated too.    Amy"

OK, not exactly what every kid wants to hear, but this could be really great! I was upset about the information about their son, because after feeling like a mistake for so long, it hurts to hear that almost confirmed. I was also super creeped out that they had my picture from my wedding on their refrigerator. But I get it - if they were looking for someone for so long, that would be comforting for them. 

I didn't run to Bernie and Maddie with this information. It took them 12 years to summon the courage to tell me I was adopted, and when they did, I took it very badly. It crushed them to watch me struggle and go through such a difficult time. I didn't want to hurt my parents again. I love them, and I wasn't going to tell them anything until I had some concrete information. My response to Amy said as much.

"Amy,

This is all very overwhelming for my family and I. I haven't spoken to my parents to get more information from them yet, as I am worried sick about how they are going to take this. I'm not against finding and meeting my birth parents, but right now, this is a lot to take in and wrap my mind around. My husband and I have been interested in finding my medical history as we are trying to have children, but I never thought in a million years that I would find any family online. Please just know that my biggest concern is the well-being of those around me. My parents and my husband mean the world to me and I don't want to put them through any unnecessary stress. I would also hate to see you put your family through any undue concern. May I ask as to why your son is so against finding his daughter? Do you still talk to the birth mother? Who is this lady that's going to call me? (By the way, I would prefer that she email me, as I work a lot and am never around a phone.) I have so many questions that I feel I am so close to answering, but you have to understand the amount of apprehension that I am going through right now."

"When our son found out his girlfriend was pregnant, we didn't handle it well.  We only had two or three weeks before the baby was born when we found out. By the way he was 16 when the baby was born.  So the time was very stressful for us all.  We wanted to adopt the baby but our son and his girlfriend were so against it that we decided not to.  His main concern is that at the present he doesn't want his two girls to find out about the baby in that they both are in their teen age years and he doesn't want to influence them by his past behavior.  If you want we can handle this between us wtihout [sic] him knowing until we feel we can present this whole concept to him.  We wanted to be sure you are indead [sic] his daughter, before we go and talk with him.  If it helps I can give you some medical information at this time.  Our son has asthma and has suffered with it for a number of years.  But other than that he is fine.  The rest of our children are all fine.  There is nothing big medically running in the family.  Your possible biological mother, Anne had a tendancy [sic] to be slightly heavy.  She was of polish heritage.  Our son is scots Irish and some German.  We can stay in touch until we resolve these issues.  Our youngest daughter had a very difficult time getting pregnant and had to eventually go to a fertility clinic.  She now has a 4 and 2 year old.  Presentl [sic] we have the two year old at our home for a couple of weeks to give her a break and to get to know him better.  

 
This person Sue is someone we know well and who was adopted herself and did alot [sic] of searching for her biological family.  She has alot [sic] of of experience in finding adoptive parents and being adopted so we have relied on her for assistance.  We have a fairly good relationship with our son, but he is extremely busy with his job and we don't always get to talk to him the way we want.  We live a couple of states away from him as we moved when we retired.  We have four children, our son being the third one.  They are all college graduates.  I am a retired family therapist and therefore have some understanding about the dynamics of all this.  My husband is a retired scientist.  We have never given up thoughts on our son's daughter.  If you are indeed his daughter and I feel so strongly that you are, we will welcome you with open arms.  My husband met with the parents who adopted the baby and knew they lived somewhere near Pittsburg [sic] at the time and were Catholic.  The baby was born in town 1 and adopted in town 2, Pa, where our son's girl friend moved after the birth.  Our friend can supply you with alot [sic] of facts etc. and I am going to copy her on this email.  We talked to her and she has been in contact with you via the adoption registery [sic] site.  As you, we don't want to put any undue stress etc on our family nor yours.  Perhaps with the information Sue will give you, you can do some research in the town 1 area.  
 
I don't know for sure if you are our grandaughter, [sic] but we have had your picture on our refridgerator [sic] for almost a year.  I finally decided to send you a email on the off chance you would respond especially afer [sic] I saw you had been to your site in Jan.  We can take this slowly and keep it just between us until we feel other family members are ready for the information.  
 

Take care and God Bless, Amy"

He has asthma? Me too! There are scientists in my family? I'm a scientist! I was so happy, I was so excited. I had always heard these adoption reunion stories where people had found all these similarities between them and their birth family. One I remember the most was that the daughter and birth mom both had an affinity for writing in purple pen. I had always wondered if I had a connection like that somewhere.

I remember my husband being supportive and patient with me through this. There were a lot of tears, as a lot of old emotions were bubbling to the surface. I was a teacher at the time, so I talked to the school social worker to see if she had any advice or resources for me. I was scared and anxious and apprehensive, but also so excited to find out if this was truly my story. Unfortunately, the story was about to change.

3.

At this point, I wasn't in a very good spot. I felt like I was cheating on my parents with these people. I didn't know them. I didn't know if they were real. I didn't know if they were being honest. I couldn't find any information with the name Amy Brown, and I couldn't find any pictures. I emailed this Sue person, whom I did not trust at all, but I felt stuck.

I let Amy know what I was feeling. For some reason, I felt like she could be being honest. It had been over 20 years and finally someone was looking for me. I felt needed, and that part of it felt good. The rest of it didn't. I told her that I was waiting to talk to my parents until I had some solid information and had an idea of how to talk to them without hurting them. I also told her I had questions and wanted to figure this out. I told her there are some similarities in what she shared, but that I was hurt that her son didn't want his family to know. That part hurt the most. She responded.

"Your response is fine.  In this case I don't know what kind of response is appropriate.  We are anxious and frightened also in this case.  First of all I want to say this about our son, he told us well over ten years ago that he would disown us if we tried to locate you.  We haven't discussed this issue with him since.  We can maintain a low profile right now and certainly we understand your feelings about your parents and we have to say we are delighted that they took such good care of you, that was our fear over the years.  We wanted to adopt you when we found out about your pending birth, but it caused such an up roar [sic] with our son and his girlfriend that we backed off.  But you can be rest assured we wanted you in the worst way and you have been a very important part of our lives over the years. You were born on my father's birthday so how could I forget.  
 
Sue is a cousin of my husband and we found her when we were doing some genealogicalresearch [sic].  We have been researching family records for some years and found that she was related.  She did extensive research to locate her biological family as she was adopted.  Therefore we feel she is the best person to help.  We have complete trust in her and her advice.  We don't want to rush anything and we don't want to give you any undo [sic] grief etc.  Our primary concern is your happiness and welfare.  So you can set the pace in this or you can say you don't want to go any further and we will be fine with that.  We are just happy to know you are well and happy.
 
I forgot to mention that there is a milk sensitivity running in our family.  My husband's parents had goats for him and his brothers and our youngest daughter had to use a soy bean formula.  But for some reason our son never had the milk sensitivity.  He did have lots of allergies and went to an doctor to be treated for his allergies for several years.  His asthma has always been an ongoing problem for him.  Cats and dogs bother him really bad.  
 
I will be happy to answer any questions you may have and I have to say please disregard any spelling errors in this email.    We are working hard to find the birth mother.  We didn't have any contact with her followng [sic] your birth.  She was not happy with us.  We didn't know her well at all.  
 
We are not trying to cause any problems between you and your parents.  They are your parents and we are so happy you feel the way you do about them.  It is normal to want to know about your birth parents and we will help as much as we can.  We have all the time in the world.  We really just want you to know that we have spent 15 years looking for you and want you to know there is a whole family that loves you and has not forgotten you.  No matter what you will be a part of our family not matter what happens.  Every June, we especially remember you.  
  My time is yours, Amy"

That first paragraph was a dagger. I don't remember how many times I read and re-read that paragraph. He will disown his own parents if they try to find me. That is how painful I am to him. I didn't do anything to him; it's partly his fault I even exist! There were more similarities in the email, but they almost didn't matter as much as that first paragraph. I had felt lied to and betrayed when I was 12 and found out about my adoption, and I felt betrayed again by a man I didn't even know. I felt lost and hurt and scared and the sadness was overwhelming. Even now, 7 years later, I still feel that pain and hopelessness. It's like a smoldering fire that threatens to reignite. What I wouldn't give to never feel that pain again.

I reached out to this Sue person to ask the big question: are these people who they say they are?I didn't like her, I didn't trust her, and I was very cautious in everything I told her. I had a lot of anger starting to build up from all of this, and I was starting to become resentful of these people.

Her response changed my world forever.

"Good question!  I could explain it but I thought it better coming from your grandparents so you could see some of the journey.  I want this whole situation to be as open as possible for both sides.

I am forwarding this letter from your grandfather.  I understand the sensitivity of this whole situation and think both sides can be facilitated without endangering and hurting a lot of people that you both love so much.

In this day and age I would suggest a DNA test.  They are cheap, and easy to do, with accurate results if you need absolute proof.  When I was searching for my biological parents I had to get an original copy of my birth certificate from the hall of records. They black out all the pertinent information, of course.  I only had one hour before the ink dried to get it to the crime lab so they could lift the ink.  This way I was able to obtain my biological last name and biological mothers maiden name.  Thank god it was an unusual name!  So things have come a long way.  You also have the willing people that want to be found.

Finding biological parents and all the happy stuff you see on T.V. is not always the case.

Sometimes there is a lot of pain and then there are a lot of rewards as anything in life.

Your biological Mother has maintained her maiden name as part of her married name.  She has two sons. 

You are in a very unique situation.  Your Grandparents want to be your friends which equals no pain and both of your situations can be respected.  Take things slow and in your comfort level.   I don’t see this situation as destroying your life but adding to your own person.

Take care,

Sue

Sue,

Forward this letter after you make your comments or edit it. I guess you are right we will cool our jets for awhile and will not let our son know.  We can't afford any heart ache that may occur.  If she responds please keep me in the loop.  I have mentioned real names so she knows we are real.  And I am a hundred percent certain she is the girl we are seeking.  Please delete our email address before sending this.  Thanks 

Dear [name redacted]

I am a hundred percent sure that I am your grandfather of your biological father.  Birth records from town 1 indicate that there were five babies on the same day that were adopted out through town 2, Pa.  So we know you are one of those five. We boiled this down to several because two were black and their living addresses were in town 1 and town 2.  The other one had a Spanish surname and I believe went to Baltimore. There were two left one of which a living residence was Warren, Pa and one which was hometown.  I remember from meeting your parents in the Lawyers office that they said they lived I believe in hometown.  So the facts are very clear to me that you are the one out of the five.

We will investigate the adoption of the girl that lived in Warren, Pa.  But any of the records that we can find do not indicated that your family living in Warren, Pa.  So that leaves you.  This all has come upon us as fast as you have experienced it.  We have been advertising on adoption websites for 20 years and probably weren't experienced to know what to do.  My cousin Sue, in California, has genuine experience in this type of matter.  And I really depend on her to help both you and I.  Primarily at this point I am satisfied that you were well taken care of, educated and are well situated in life.  I never wanted to have any impact on your relationship with your adopted parents.  I would really like to know you personally no matter what my son or your biological  mother feel.  I as a grandfather have prayed for you and love you every day of your life.  I want to clear some things up with you.  My son's biological mother is presently not the woman to whom I am married.  Amy Brown is the pseudonym we use in responding to and researching adopted children so that no one could get emotionally hurt.  I am a man of 71 years been married to my present wife for 41 years.  I got sole custody of Hank and my present wife and I raised him along with three other children.  It's important to me that you understand us.  I am not unfamiliar with the many issues in adoption since I adopted my present wife's two children.  One of them after 40 years demanded to be put in touch with her biological father which we helped to facilitate.  This has been emotionally trying for us and I know for you but we are all going to live through it. 

The only way I know for you to be sure is to confirm some facts that we know from your parents or to complete a DNA test which would have to be done between you, me and Hank's biological mother.  I would like really to confirm your feelings without my son being aware of it so that he is not upset before its necessary. He has threatened me to keep me from his two daughters and I believe he might do that and I love them as I love you.  I believe he is afraid of what this wife, daughters and in-laws would think.  I don't believe his wife's family know anything about you.  My cousin Sue, believes that I would be making an unacceptable risk to come out and tell him and would be best if this is your desire and you seek him out rather than me being involved after seeking out your biological mother and Sue has that information on how to contact her. 

Hank lives on the east coast Anne your biological mother lives in the town 1 area and are both easily found as Sue has all this information.  The choices and decisions to be made are yours and you can contact Sue for all of this information.  I would really love to tell you who I am but Sue feels that is not a good idea either.  I am available and the choices is yours.  Just knowing you are ok really helps me.  My wife is my sole mate and feels the same way.  She raised Hank from the age of two.  We live in Virginia.  Attached is a picture of Hank and Anne at his Senior prom taken in May 198x.  You were born in June 198x.

  Your Grandfather"

(I have changed some identifying information in this email. Both birth parent's names and all of the towns have been changed. I'm sorry if that makes it difficult to read, but I am trying to protect people. I never changed Amy's name, since it isn't her name anyway. Sue had taken all of the real names out, so I didn't have them at all. I couldn't do anymore research.)

After reading this email, I finally had enough. I needed my family, and I needed to know if any of this was true. I needed to know answers. I printed out all of the emails, changed nothing, included all my responses. I told my husband I was ready to confront my parents, but that I needed him with me. We went to dinner, and after dinner was over, I showed them everything. They read everything while I cried. They understood why I was asking the questions. They weren't mad. They hugged me and told me everything would be ok. But the most important thing they told me was that these people were lying to me. They told me I was right to trust my gut, but that I needed to cut ties with these people now. And I did. I never responded.

Amy reached out to me once more, in July of that year.

"Hope this doesn't upset you or anything, but wanted you to know that we talked to our son this past weekend about you.  He said he had no problem if you wanted to contact him nor did his wife.  He also said they were going to talk to their daughters about you.  Don't know if this helps in your decision making process but wanted you to know.  When I mentioned to him what he said about us not having contact with his girls years ago he said he had forgotten he made that statement and didn't mean it now.  So the field is open should you choose to make a move or not.  Sincerely Amy"

My response was that I had talked to my parents, and there were too many glaring inconsistencies. I told her to stop contacting me. I have never talked to her again.

From 2011, that was the last contact I had with people claiming to be my biological family. The questions remained, and so did the pain. To this day, I never got over this Hank person saying he wanted no contact with his daughter and he would disown people if they tried to find me. Even if he wasn't real, the sentiment could be. It stopped me from ever wanting to know these people. It didn't stop the questions of medical history and heritage, but I didn't want to know these people or their names or their faces.

But the story doesn't end there.

4.

I met my husband in November 2005, at a Cosby sweater party. At least, that was what we called them in college; I think that name has lost its "PC" value now. He was charming and cute, but he thought he was a little bigger than his britches. I liked him, but I didn't like him enough to date him seriously. We always had a good time when we went out on dates, and that's what kept him in my memory.

I married and divorced my first husband within a year. We tried having kids together, and I'm grateful every day that we weren't successful. When I was divorcing, everyone told me how "easy" I had it because we don't have kids or a house or any common property. Easy was not the word I would choose for a divorce. I don't hate my ex-husband; I don't even harbor any negative feelings for him. He and I are both so happy now. We just weren't right for each other. If he ever reads this, I hope he knows how grateful I am to him for the 5 years we were together, for all the laughs, and for all the support. Because of him, I grew so much and I found true happiness because of the pain we caused each other.

My first husband supported me through that first adoption trial. My second husband has been my rock through the second adoption trial. John and I started dating in 2013. We had been talking and catching up for months, and he lived several states away at the time. On our second first date, he took me on a whirlwind adventure around his city. As we sat in the sunshine on that second very first date, I knew I was going to marry him. John has changed how I see myself. He has helped me to get out of debt and love myself for who I am. We have traveled the world together, and I'm so excited to see where life takes us.

John asked me to marry him on a beach in Naples, Florida in April 2015. I married John in June 2017 under a bright blue sky with our parents and siblings surrounding us. I've never been happier.

John thinks of himself as a cinema buff. He took one film class in college and now he has an opinion on every movie. (Full disclaimer: I've watched and enjoyed a lot of movies with him that I would have never considered without him.) John is also a cigar snob, coffee snob, flannel snob, whiskey snob, and wine snob. I think it is adorable and he has taught me a lot about coffee and wine, so I really can't complain too much.

In March of 2017, we watched a movie called Lion. It is about a boy in India who falls asleep on a train and wakes up hundreds of miles away from his home. He is put into an orphanage and adopted by a foreign couple. After many years, he remembers his life before his adoption, and decides to try and find his family, no matter how hard it may be. He succeeds, and the credits show the real boy and the real pictures of him from his adoption to his very happy reunion.

I cried a lot during that movie. I cried because it hit home. I cried because the story was beautiful. I cried because it could never be my story. I cried because Nicole Kidman and David Wenham reminded me so much of how much I was loved by Bernie and Maddie. I cried because some of the awkwardness in the initial adoption scenes reminded me of those awkward first weeks after the adoption revelation in my own life.

After that movie, I decided that I was going to get my answers. I had enough with the unknowns. I wanted some "knowns". John and I might one day decide we want kids. At the moment, we don't, but if I have learned anything, it is that life can change in an instant. What surprises were in store? I also have had a lot of strange health issues from gall bladders to reproductive concerns. Why? What was causing these?

Thanks to the Adoption subreddit, I was able to find some good information about genetic testing. I ordered an AncestryDNA test kit, and spit into a tube. And then I waited.

5.

And I waited. Still waited. Waited some more.

Memorial Day 2017, my in-laws came to stay with us for the weekend. We were about a month out from our wedding, and it was nice to have a distraction from the planning and craziness. (Full disclaimer: my in-laws are absolutely extraordinary people, and I'm so lucky to have them.) Because of my work schedule, I'm usually awake at 7am on the weekends. That Saturday morning, I rolled over and did what I always do first thing in the morning - grabbed my phone and checked my email.

I had prepared myself for this moment for a while. I wasn't going to see a parent or siblings. Probably just some distant cousin. But it would be a start. I could start finding relatives and names and doing research and find out if there was cancer or ALS or Alzheimer's or spontaneous combustion. I could ask questions and get some real answers. But I really hadn't prepared myself enough.

I had a first or second cousin, and his name is Timothy. More tears, but silent ones this time. I wasn't ready to tell John about this, and I certainly didn't want to ruin the weekend with his parents. He knew I had done the test, and I wasn't really ready to open up about all of this yet. I was scared of being hurt again, just like those people had hurt me in 2011. I was scared I was going to find a similar story, that I still wasn't wanted by them.

I wanted to email Timothy that very moment. I wanted to ask him every question and what he knew and who my people are and where I came from...but I didn't. I hit pause, and I hit it hard. This person may not know I exist, and my appearance could cause a lot of drama. So I waited. I enjoyed my time with my in-laws and I waited. I waited almost two and a half weeks. Every day, I talked out what I wanted to say in my head and what the possible responses could be.

I emailed Timothy and introduced myself. I heard nothing.

Over the next two months, a lot happened. I married the love of my life and enjoyed a beautiful wedding celebration. John and I went on a fairy tale honeymoon. And two more cousins popped up on Ancestry. I emailed both but only heard back from one, and she quit responding after the first email.

While we were on our honeymoon, I read in the adoption subreddit about a person who was on a very similar journey to mine. This person sent an email to a cousin on Ancestry who turned out to be their aunt and within days they had reconnected with their birth family. I talked to John about what I had been doing and asked his advice: should I give it another go? He said he thought it was worth a try, so I sent my version of the email I had found online to Timothy and the other cousins.

On August 1, I heard back from Timothy. And this is where the new chain of events begins.

6.

Timothy was so kind and helpful. It turns out he is an adoptive father himself and understood where I was coming from. But he had no idea who I was or whose child I was.

Timothy started asking his mom questions. She is really interested in genealogy and Ancestry, so she was eager to help as well. Needless to say, I got very little actual work done on these days. I spent lots of time researching Timothy and his family once he and his mom started giving me names and information. I was able to search a bunch of public family trees and start finding similar names to my DNA list. I uploaded my Ancestry data to GEDMatch to see if there were any more connections there. (There weren't.)

Timothy and I emailed each other for two days straight. I searched and searched and calculated and hypothesized about where I might fit into this giant puzzle. I'm a biologist, and I am really interested in pedigrees, evolution, and genetic inheritance, so that was a big help. But it just didn't make sense - I had all these cousins, but I couldn't figure out how I was related. Where was my missing piece? At the end of the second day - the very last email of the night - Timothy told me he had a half brother.

Something didn't feel right. Something didn't feel right at all. As soon as I read that sentence, and re-read that sentence, and then read it again, my heart sank. I had such a bad premonition, but it couldn't be. I could be his half-niece. Is that even a thing? Does that exist? I thought about it all night. I pored over all my notes again. Right before I shut off my phone for the night, I googled the percentages of DNA you share with family, particularly a half-uncle. You share 12.5% of your DNA with your first cousin. You share 12.5% of your DNA with a half uncle. This could be it. I had to ask the question I feared the most: what is your half brother's name?

As soon as I got to a computer the next morning, I emailed Timothy that exact question. I had his answer pretty quickly: Hank. My heart started to shatter into a billion pieces. My next email was simple - do you know anyone in this picture? Along with that message, I forwarded the picture my "grandfather" had sent to me back in 2011.

Timothy's answer broke what was left of my heart that morning. It was along the lines of "that's funny, how do you have a picture of Hank?"

Those people that my parents said lied to me - they were my grandparents. It wasn't a lie. Hank was my dad and Anne was my mom and there was nothing I could do about that. I now had the genetic confirmation that Sue had asked me for all those years ago. I turned off all the lights in my office and cried.